I feel like what's the point.....

[Treehugger444]

Hello All. I appreciate all the great discussions and support that I have seen here. I have been a lurker for a long while, I used to visit another board about this topic way back when I had to go thru the VRP in PA. I successfully completed this program in 2008. However, it was very hard to obtain any job, and it seemed that the only place I was able to get an offer from was LTC. I was thankful to get a job, however it did not challenge me at all, only frustrated me. Also, as one who has this darkness follow them where ever they go, I am the one fingers are always pointing at when something is awry with a count. I could be tested any day and twice on Sunday and not one thing that is not supposed to be in my system will ever be found. I could guarantee that. The last place I had worked at in LTC really did something most horrible to me that gave me PTSD. Because I had been working on a case of reporting one of my nurses that was NOT doing her job well, always on her cell phone, blue tooth in her ear, ect. I was viciously attacked by management there which took me by complete surprise, as even though I hated the job from not being challenged I was good at it and surveys were always passed with flying colors on the floor I managed. Apparently, I wasn't in "the club" and there are those slimy, mean people everywhere who will use your past against you and others will blindly believe whatever they say, no matter how much proof you have. BTW, the acting DON was on my side, but did not verbally advocate for me to anyone in which it would have mattered. This really hurt me, I had worked so hard to transcend all the drama in my life to be surrounded by such ignorance. But, I had resigned prior to this event, as I was going into a job to work from home. I worked fine for that company for 4 years....I was laid off twice by them. It took over 6 months for me to FINALLY find a job, in January of 2015 doing HEDIS. Later, after another short lay off of 5 weeks, I was then hired by same company to work on another project. That project fortunately lasted for 2 years, in January of this year I have been laid off again.

I cannot begin to tell you how many jobs I have applied to. Because I worked in such a niche area, no one wants me.

Furthermore, I want to tell you that when I was finally free from the PA VRP, I applied for my NJ license as that is where I lived at the time and thought of how nice it would be to finally work in my own state. They demanded that I enter THEIR program, and I thought this is ridiculous, how many times does one pay for their ILLNESSES? I mean even murder is protected with a double indemnity clause, right? Needless to say that one program was absolutely more than sufficient in my mind, considering how you are all aware of the inhumane evil ways they are putting massive money in their greedy little pockets while placing this image of how they are protecting the public from "impaired nurses."

So now, I reside in the state of Vermont. I am concerned about applying for this license because of what happened in NJ, where I spent about 600 on NOTHING.

Then, even if I am blessed to get it, I am arriving at exhausted in this battle that this world wants us to continue to prove ourselves instead of just accepting that healing does happen, that people can grow and change and improve themselves and it doesn't take a 3-5 year external incarceration to have that happen.

I have just run into so much ignorance that I wonder if I should just hang up my license, even though I worked so dang hard to keep it. Honestly though, I don't know what else I could do at this point. I have been a nurse since 1993.

Please don't infer from my post that this is a "poor me" pity party. I am, under normal conditions a very happy soul. I just need to find some normal conditions again.

Any suggestions or inspiration is greatly appreciated.

[catsmeow1972, BSN, RN]

i do not see your post as a "poor me" pity party. I do not and will never understand why one gets "sentenced" to ANOTHER stint in a program after finishing the first one, just because of a move to another state. i have long thought that i could commit armed robbery and not be punished for this long. Whether the original point of these programs was to really be of help and morphed into the monster they are today or have always meant to be a giant payday for those running them, i don't know. I like to think that the original point long, long ago was to actually be of help. Now, however theses things represent power, control and punishment. Whatever the case maybe, now in many states it is a punitive, money making endeavor that drains nurses (and other professionals) both financially and emotionally. Anytime the opportunity to profit off the backs of ill people presents itself, the $$$ will win.

I, too have spent my entire career in a highly specialized niche and due to the ridiculous stipulations on the contract and outright lies told by the people running my particular program, I have had more than one job offer go down in flames. i am more than 3 years into this torture and this junk has served no purpose other than to drain my savings, damage my relationship with my family (like having to borrow ungodly amounts of money just to not have to live in my car) and cause the exact same kind of stress that got me here to begin with. it seems that regardless of the reason we landed here, be it mental health, addiction, bad judgement or whatever, we are all treated like criminals on lifetime probation.

Currently I am fortunate enough to have landed a position that while not in my specialty is very supportive and understanding. Like you, i am afraid that I will never be able to move to another state without having to repeat this nightmare and i can't even go to graduate school (I don't really want to, but that's not the point) due to this scarlet letter. As far as "protecting the public"? My orifice. Every day, i am more convinced that that is just a slogan used to justify the eternal punishment we seem to have.

You are not whining, you have merely put into writing, the fears that all of us live every day. In what other profession is a person punished so harshly for what is regarded as an illness in the rest of the population.

[Treehugger444]

Thanks for your reply! To know that there are understanding souls of this carnage is such a help.

I so agree with much of what you said, and because I was also leaving my horrible marriage and had a family that was not helpful or healthy, I did sleep in my car for a moment and then found a horrible single room in a run down hotel that I don't think even cockroaches would have lived in. But my freedom was important, and I did what I had to do. I am no contact with my family, my two very closest friends reside in NJ.

NJ has me on their crap list, so that if one were to look it up they would see that ignorance. However, I am fully free and clear on my PA license. I liken this drama to the movie Shawshank Redemption, only it seems in this case there is no breaking free. I must say though that I do feel like I have already crawled my way through the crap sewer that is the BON, had the casemanager from you know where who I know had no heart or compassion whatsoever, and even though I have reached the other side, in my life it has equated to just a piece of paper without any restrictions, but massive blacklisting, judgement and stress taking its place that is really not necessary, healthy or helpful. Why would one have to go through another states' program when they SUCCESSFULLY completed one for another state is criminal. The last job I had was a contract position, so I did not have any PTO or sick time, minimal benefits.

We are not serving retribution for what we have done, but rather their fear, ignorance and the wrong belief that addicts never heal. I don't think all the proof in world will ever suffice for them. I would like to see some of them endure the injustice that we have had to endure, only so that maybe they will arrive at understanding how not helpful they are. I am certain that not one of us woke up one day and said, "ya know, I think I will just resort to becoming a drug addict." It stems from other things, addiction merely being the symptom.

My DOC was benzos, primarily xanax starting from a prescription I legally obtained which I resorted to taking when my younger son was medically unstable with a brain tumor. Over the course of less than 3 years, I was prescribed 6 mg per DAY, taking at least 10. Yes I did try other things like opiates although they made me sick, and unable to function. So of course I was not mentally/emotionally doing well, as possibly losing my child was the worst thing that could have happened in my mind at that time. My horrible marriage played into all of this as well. I entered the VRP in 2002 January. Let me say that even with my reliance on xanax of almost 3 years, NOT ONE mandated health professional that I was forced to see due to entering the VRP stated that I needed a slow wean and Inpatient care. I was forced to quit in one day. I cannot express how NOT FUN that was. I reckon not one person today could find any medical professional with integrity who would not slow wean a benzo patient, but this is my truth. Furthermore, after only one month of drug screens in this program I was granted permission to find a job, which I chose NOT to do, as I knew I needed more time. How is that for "protecting the public?". My point is who is protecting us from THEM?

Thanks again for your kind words. I plan to share more later......

[crazin01]

I feel pretty much the same way. Comforting to know we're far from the only ones going through it.

[sallyrnrrt, ADN, RN]

Gratitude you are not in the same positions, that got you in trouble, give yourself credit for recovery.... Do not let self blame bind you...... You have opportunities..... Create them.... Think about a stint in dialysis etc..... Best wishes for you