Help Please me.

Omg....siri....

Macro, we are all very sorry about your mother in law's diagnosis, but we can't give any medical advice here. It's against the TOS. Have your wife talk to the doctor, please.

I do not want medical advice. I want to know if my wife who is treating her mother as a patient should instead treat her mother as her "mother". I really want my mother in-law to be as comfortable as possible.

Kevin

Don't give up hope if she is not ready to die--support whatever she is emotionally ready for--my friend got a diagnosis of colon cancer with inoperable liver mets-- and I thought I would stand by with hospice type care--but God is in charge, and she has done run after run of chemo and radiation, and 6 surgeries, and 3 1/2 years later, she is again in remission, back to working part-time, and has had several vacations in between bouts---but still joyful and still alive---other of my patients die peacefully within weeks---when they let go---if that is her choice--focus on controlling pain and nausea, and encouraging all the loving relationships and closure issues that are needed---encourage her to follow her heart, and be there for her whatever her journey....

Ah, I see. There are some here who believe that nurses can care for their chronically/terminally ill relatives at home, but I don't think that's a good idea. Your wife can certainly help take care of her, but first and foremost she needs to be a daughter.

I know that's not much help. Does hospice care exist in Japan? If a hospice nurse could get involved in your mother in law's care, your wife could take an assistive stance.

First let me say how sorry I am. I just went throught this with my father et I know how hard this is. I took the role as primary caregiver along with my mother. Everyone really depended on me because I was the nurse in the family and I work in a long term facility so I deal with this a lot. The problem for me was as the primary care giver, I did not get to grieve over my dad until he was already gone. So I was very far behind my other family in the grieving process. I did not really start the process until after his funeral. Then I had a really hard time with things. I would advise your wife to not try to be the primary care giver. It is a very hard role to take on. Please try to get someone to help her so that she can grieve her mom when the time comes. Also, try to help your mother-in-law by remembering all of the good times you all have shared together. Provide all the love and support you have to offer. I am keeping you in my prayers.

I do not want medical advice. I want to know if my wife who is treating her mother as a patient should instead treat her mother as her "mother". I really want my mother in-law to be as comfortable as possible.

Kevin

Yes. She should treat her as her mother, not her patient. My mother was diagnosed with malignant melanoma when I was nine. She was given a 50% chance of living 3 years and a 30% chance of living 5 years. I am now 35, she is still here bugging the heck out of me!

One of the things she said is that I was the only person who treated her like "normal"... well, yeah, I was nine and totally did NOT get it. But even if she had died... the fact that I treated her "normal" was something she treasured.

Your mother in law was your mother's mother since your wife was conceived. For her to be treated as a patient, and not as a mom, is not helpful. She is mom. She will always be mom, even if she can't always be here. She needs love and as much normalcy as possible.

it's a good idea to have involvement of other professionals

so that the family member has some assistance when the parent needs additional help

but don't rely on them entirely, because when the system takes over, you might find your parent neglected and just left uncared for (as in the case of my own family member)

who, incidentally is now back home instead of being placed into long-term care (old, but intelligent)

keep an eye on things, and be there for your parent, unless are willing to risk having one stranger after another pretend to care for you family member, people who work short-staffed and don't find the time to do what is needed.

When my parents reached the terminal stage I called in Hospice, they were wonderful, both were kept pain free, clean, and comfortable until they died. I can not say enough the care they showed my parents and family.