Desperate for some advice!!!!

[1stloveistobeanurse]

I figure it would be ok to post this dilemia here, please feel comfortable to give me your advice. I am married to a wonderful man who I love very much but I am having some issues with my inlaws. The problem is this, my mother inlaw was diagnoise with kidney failure several years ago, and because of her religion she would not accept a kidney transplant. Now the problem is that I practice a different faith then my husband family and for the past 11 years of our marriage I have been teased, publicly, laughed at and completely disrespect by the family, out of the 11 years we have been married they have come to vist us twice. As her health got worse, I came to her, and took care of her as if she was my mother in spite of all the disrespect I received in the past, and you know what I got not a thank you, but I got cursed out and thrown out of the house afterward. Now this it is 4 years later and since this time my inlaws have begun to ask us to move to GA to be closer to them. I for one do not like GA but I did not like the state I had moved to and expressed this to my husband, and finally told him that maybe we can give GA a try. Now we moved to GA and I transferred out from out of a nursing program that I was accepted to to come here, and once we get here, my mother inlaw saids great :yeah::yeah:you came here to help take care of me. :zzzzz:banghead: I am not be rude or anything but no that is not the reason I came here, but to keep the peace I began taking care of her anyway. Now you would think after all this everything would workout :banghead:Nope my father in law curses us out once more, I was thrown out of school becuase he would not allow me to use his computer ( I was taking online classes) and could not take the constanst complaining and working my tail off and being told I was useless afterwards so I moved out. We then lost the home we intial got and was practically on the street. I have no family here with the exception of them, and you would think they would call or say something. No the left us in the street, we went to stay with friends that we just meet until we was able to get back on our feet, neither one of us was working. So now my father in law calls my husband back up and said oh I am so sorry and worried about you :saint: come back to the house. We get to the house and he said to my husband (mind you it has not been a day yet) I am going to NY watch your mother now my husband looks at me to do it becuase I am the nursing student anyway and my father in law left.

Now they have two nurse aids that come to the house one is great with my mother inlaw I personal get the feeling she dosnt care for me, because everytime I am at the house with her, she is constantly calling my father inlaw and telling him things like I broke his computer or his fax machine, I am not even in the same room as the these items.

The other nurse aid they do not like, so now guess who they call to take her place :banghead: (if you are guessing me you are right) I for one do not feel comfortable doing this.

1. They have a daughter who lives in NY and will not come to take care of her and when she is in GA she still dosnt take care of her mother.

2. Her mother dosnt want to go in a nursing home

3. I try not to stress my marriage so I dont complain to my husband about it because I dont want to be the nagging wife.

4. I dont want to stay here in GA becuase I cant stand the place and I am unhappy to the point I am :bluecry1: everyday.

Can some of you guys give me your opinion on this, I want to be supportive and caring but at the same time I am sick of these people taking advantage of me and my husband

[Valerie Salva, BSN, RN]

Talk to your husband about how you feel. If he is reasonable, he will see how you are being treated. Maybe you could move back to your old state.

[Laurinq]

Your situation definetly sounds completely frustrating. For the amount of time you have dealt with this, I think it is more than time for you to step in and say something, first to your husband and next to his parents > in a respectable manner to them, do not stoop down to their level by being rude and condescending. You need to tell your husband, and you will not be the nagging wife because if this continues on this can ruin and even end your relationship with him because you will be so unhappy. And if you state this when talking to him, I think he will realize that this is just not a measely complaint, that it is a step towards making your relationship last by fixing your unhappiness. Now, don't expect that he will want to move away and not take care of his parents because that is a lot to ask. But there at least needs to be a discussion of what respect you deserve from them and that you cannot be expected to take care of them (especially if they already have two aides), you need to focus on your career which will lead to a better life for both of you. Also, if you have never "nagged" about things before (throughout these 11 years) I feel like he may be taken back by you stating this, so I would just be aware of this. Let him know that you both will still be encouraging and of course always be there for them, but without the respect it its just to hard.

I just encourage to share your feelings, because you sound so exhausted and distraught and I am worried that it could lead you to be very unhappy and hurt your relationship.

Best of luck

[1stloveistobeanurse]

Thanks to the both of you, I do want to move back home, and I have made this known to him already. As a matter of a fact, I was asking him to complete some application for us to move back, and he actual has agreed to it. I believe he knowns that his parents are taking advantage of us. I also know that he knowns about the comments they have made about me, because they have made these comment about me in front of him, and he just dosnt know how to stand up to them so I am left doing it. When I spoke to him about this before (recently) his reply was that is just the way my dad is he has always been that way! Well that dosn't make it right, and it has begun to take a toll on me and my relationship. I lost my mother 10 years ago, and right now nothing in my life has been constant, my son who was my first born is still back home, and when my mom passed I believe it really hurt him becuase it has been down hill with him every since. I have spent the past 10 years helping him get his career in order and taking care of my family that now I feel like I have lost myself! and this is why I want to move back home. I dont believe that I can change anyone, and if that is who they are and he cant do anything about it then fine but at the same time dont ask me to accept what you cant change. I want to be there for them and him, but at the same time I want to focus on my own life and part of my life is not them it is my marriage.

Sometime I wonder if I am past the point of talking, I actually moved my clothing out of our bedroom and when he seen this (because it was my first time ever doing this) he has begun to show some understanding, and I really want my marriage I love my husband but like I have stated to him already I love myself also, and I wonder if this is want they really want.

[mom35]

I am sorry to say this, but these people sound toxic. Sometimes you have to get up and get out of toxic families. Some people do not care if they ruin your life. You cannot allow this treatment and they are not going to change. My opinion is get out and leave this behind and start a new life!!!!!!!

[1stloveistobeanurse]

I am sorry to say this, but these people sound toxic. Sometimes you have to get up and get out of toxic families. Some people do not care if they ruin your life. You cannot allow this treatment and they are not going to change. My opinion is get out and leave this behind and start a new life!!!!!!!

:banghead::bluecry1:

I hate to say this but you were exactly right, I have went and spoken with my husband in regards to me finishing school, and focusing on my education. His response is I will speak with my dad about leaving my mother - now two days ago we get a phone call that she is back in the hospital and she is bottoming out her blood pressure, the hospital was afraid she maybe having a heart attack and after seeing her test results decided to send her home - where she wanted to be in the first place, I told my husband I hope your dad will not leave your mom sick at the house while he runs off again, I dont think that would be good for her, and he said oh no he just has to stay home and go another time! :banghead: yeah right, low in behold, he gets his plan ticket packs his bags and leaves her. Now I have a midterm that I cant make and a science class I will most likely fail once again because, I have not slept all day and I cant even concentrate on my work.

I told him that I will most likely fail my class again behind this and he claims again I will talk to my dad and nothing. He then actually had the nerve to go into the room with his mother and go to sleep in her bed leaving me up with no where to even sleep because they dont have any other beds in the house.

I cant figure out how in the world people can be so selfish

[mom35]

I hope you don't mind me asking, do you guys have children? If not, it would make it easier for you to get out,if you do have children it would make it more difficult to leave. I'm not saying leave your husband, but we have one life to live and we must commit ourselves to the lifethat we want. It is just that I was married to a toxic man for 10 years, and now that we are divorced I am finally moving up and forward with my life for myself and my daughter. "You must do what you think you cannot do"-Eleanor Roosevelt. You are a strong woman and it is YOUR life

[tfleuter, BSN, RN]

This situation sounds toxic on many levels. Living with his parents makes the two of you dependent on them which is not a good idea with the type of personalities you are describing. If for any reason you decide to stay, I would strongly encourage the two of you find your own place to live nearby. You need your own place, your own computer, your own things. On the other hand, I think,for you, your best option is to move back to your home. Your mother in law will be cared for by her aides and it's is your father in law's responsibility to be the family member who looks after her other needs.

It sounds like your husband is in a difficult position - wanting to take care of his parents, but not wanting to loose you. I'm not a ultimatium type of person, especially with marriages, but I do think you need to push for a move back to your previous home for your own sanity. You two gave it an honest go, and things are not working out. Your happiness and sanity has suffered enough, things are not going to change. He needs to decide which is more important, trying to appease his wife or trying to appease his parents. It would seem like a simple choice, one is possible (I assume you were happy and your marriage was healthy before moving) and one is impossible (his parents sound like the type who cannot be content with the efforts of others) But loyalty and responsibility to aging parents runs deep (as it should) so keep being sensitive to your husbands emotions, while taking care of your own. Big hugs and I hope you can get things figured out soon!

[1stloveistobeanurse]

This situation sounds toxic on many levels. Living with his parents makes the two of you dependent on them which is not a good idea with the type of personalities you are describing. If for any reason you decide to stay, I would strongly encourage the two of you find your own place to live nearby. You need your own place, your own computer, your own things.

Thank you both, I dont think I could have say this better, and the sad thing of all is that I dont live here in the same house with my inlaws. We have a home of our own which has a private room setup for her with a full bath to take care of her and the owe nine yards.

On the other hand, I think,for you, your best option is to move back to your home. Your mother in law will be cared for by her aides and it's is your father in law's responsibility to be the family member who looks after her other needs.

I really needed to hear that, because I felt the same way myself, but often times I think ones knowledge and kindness can be taken for a fool. My father in law has even went as far as to say to my husband of course. He wants to fire his aide and hire me in her place. Why because he dosnt feel she is do her job correct, now I know better, and I told him and my husband I do not want this job, I personal think too much will come with it and it is not worth it

It sounds like your husband is in a difficult position - wanting to take care of his parents, but not wanting to loose you. I'm not a ultimatium type of person, especially with marriages, but I do think you need to push for a move back to your previous home for your own sanity. You two gave it an honest go, and things are not working out. Your happiness and sanity has suffered enough, things are not going to change. He needs to decide which is more important, trying to appease his wife or trying to appease his parents. It would seem like a simple choice, one is possible (I assume you were happy and your marriage was healthy before moving) and one is impossible (his parents sound like the type who cannot be content with the efforts of others) But loyalty and responsibility to aging parents runs deep (as it should) so keep being sensitive to your husbands emotions, while taking care of your own. Big hugs and I hope you can get things figured out soon!

Once again this sounds correct, and when I had to take care of my mom I gained a understanding for the responsibility this all involved. Come to think about it, we actually spoke about this before as well, and I explained to him that I was not willing to take on this responsibility because after taking care of my own mother and wanting to go back to school, getting married it was all too much, but once again it is trying to appease them and me.

[BabyLady, BSN, RN]

This is going to be a post that is going to be very unpopular.

NO WAY would I stay married to someone, especially if I didn't have children, that allowed their family to what boils down to, verbal and mental abuse.

It is your husband's job to come to your defense. When you signed up for school, he should have either bought or rented you a computer (and financial aid will pay for one) so you wouldn't have to be dependent on someone else.

Your needs are not only not getting met, they are getting ignored and he is pretty much expecting you to take whatever his family dishes out.

I wouldn't be taking care of an ungrateful mother-in-law that had more than one child, plus a husband.

[1stloveistobeanurse]

This is going to be a post that is going to be very unpopular.

NO WAY would I stay married to someone, especially if I didn't have children, that allowed their family to what boils down to, verbal and mental abuse.

It is your husband's job to come to your defense. When you signed up for school, he should have either bought or rented you a computer (and financial aid will pay for one) so you wouldn't have to be dependent on someone else.

Your needs are not only not getting met, they are getting ignored and he is pretty much expecting you to take whatever his family dishes out.

I wouldn't be taking care of an ungrateful mother-in-law that had more than one child, plus a husband.

Actually I did not answer that question (by error) we do have a child. I dont think it is my mother in law that is ungrateful at this point she is sufferring from dementia and she really is not her old self so that I do understand. However, I want to know that I am not crazy :chuckle I for one think that it is the outside family that is taking advantage of both me and my spouse, and I for one am tried of it. My husband did purchase me a computer but with me having to constanstly be interrupted to take care of his family needs it really dosnt matter because I cant fully concentrate on school and my grades suffer.

the part of my needs not being met I do completely agree with that one, my sister in law and my father in law both have been dishing things out and expecting me to take it. The most cunning thing is that my father in law will do it in a way now that he will tell my husband to watch your mother I am going to NY (which happens to be over 1000 miles from home) and he knows that this really means get your wife to watch your mom, because my husband dosnt know what to do. Now my sister in law who dosnt call us never the less say thanks for taking care of my mother, Will call her mother that I am stuggling and neglecting myself and school to take care of and tell her that she isnt allowed to even vist our home because I dont share the same religous beliefs as their family.

So really this all boils down to yes, we need you but after you do what we need you are free to leave never the less that they have came into my personal goals and plans and interrrupted them:banghead:

And you are right it is boiling down to taking care of a mother in law for a sister in law and family that is selfish and ungrateful

[BabyLady, BSN, RN]

Time for a frank talk with the husband.

Tell him that his parents are HIS responsibility. You don't mind helping out in a jam...that is just part of a marriage, but to not expect you to wait on them hand and foot and under no circumstances...if HE tells them, 'Yes, I'll watch her'...then HE needs to watch her.

Your goals are just as important as his. Don't forget that. Sometimes, husbands need to be reminded of that.