Random onel liners

Published

Specializes in Renal, Haemo and Peritoneal.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't

find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the

steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with nuts & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

Two fish are in a tank

One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

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very very funny! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

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Who was that comedian with the monotone and expressionless face, who used to roll off those kind of jokes, usually one liners?

I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.

I woke up this morning and discovered that my entire apartment had been emptied by thieves and all my furniture had been replaced with perfectly exact copies.

I have a map of the world. It's full sized, so I keep it outside.....

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Specializes in Geriatrics/Alzheimer's.

Bad..... bad jokes...BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

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"Who was that comedian with the monotone and expressionless face, who used to roll off those kind of jokes, usually one liners?"

That was Steven Wright

A couple more of his that are my all time favs

I called information and asked where my other sock was

She told me that it was behind the couch

I like to pick up hitch hikers and when we are driving tell them "Hold on - I saw this on a cartoon once but I think we can do it"

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All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

~wiping Diet Coke off the computer again~

Too funny!! :rotfl:

Or, as somebody already said, I accidentally spilled some spot remover on my dog Spot, and now I can't find him.

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That was Steven Wright
You win the grand prize!!! Here are a few more, taken from one of the sites I found googling

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.> Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

and my personal favorite: I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with nuts & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself

This one had me laughing for ages

:rotfl: :chuckle :rotfl:

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Can't Resist To add to bad joke list...

Hear the one about the one arm man?

No, well, neither did I. (Heard from an Alheimerz PT.)

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He just did? (Heard from a six year old)

Why do 100 pounds weight so much?

Because its one hundred pounds. Duh (Told by an ex girlfriend in a bad mood)

What color is the white house?

I could go on, but I am going to stop now.

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My all-time favorite stupid joke:

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanut and jelly sandwich?

You either get a peanut and jelly sandwich that never forgets or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth

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