question about ETOH

Sounds like some pretty thick denial "moderating... convincing myself ... consequences". Why not try going to a few AA meetings and listening? Try to identify, not to compare. If you are an alcoholic, you are an alcoholic. (We don't really have "heavy" or "light" alcoholics.)

P.S. Maybe you haven't had enough pain yet. Can you can HONESTLY say that the worst thing that is happening to you is shaking hands? Or do you feel shame and guilt? It's the shame and guilt that got me here. I hated who I had become.

Good luck to you. Please let us know how you make out. There is a solution.

I agree with mummasheesh...thick denial.

Hmmm...interesting...does your chemical dependency counselor spouse know?...his thoughts?...are you hiding/minimizing to him?

My question: How many more consequences do you need or how bad do you have to hurt before you admit the obvious?

Get treatment now....you fell off the wagon.

End the denial.

Look I completely understand you feelings about being a teenager with problems not a true "addict". I struggle with the same feelings. I have 6 and half years clean and wonder if maybe now that I am older I could be "normal". But when I think about the consequences if I really were to screw up big time I am not willing to give up everything recovery has given me.

I want you to know that I am not judging you or your decisions but from your own admision you are starting to see consequences from your behavior. My prayer for you is that you don't have to give up what so many of us (spouses, careers, freedom, material things)give up in order to stop again.

The simple fact that your hands are shaking in the morning means for your body thats what happens. Every body responds diferntly and has a differnt tolerance to chemicals in the body.

Thanks for the responses. Some of the things yall have said are weighing heavily in my gut which probably means they are true. Yes, my husband knows about the drinking, but b/c I got into recovery so many years ago for other drugs and I have not touched those in 7 years, I think he is just thinking I'm okay maybe. No, I have not had a lot of pain yet nor do I have the shame and misery that got me into recovery the first time. I have done some bad things while drinking but for some reason, I feel pretty apathetic about it. People always said it can be hard to come back into the rooms after relapse and for some reason it really is for me. I go to meetings now and again but don't feel like I connect with anything. "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop (drinking/using)" but my problem is I don't have the desire at this point. I guess I feel like reaching out here is kind of a first step for me because I don't really feel like I can go to a meeting and say that at this point. Thanks for the support and for listening.

you will be in my prayers, as well. i am finally newly sober after a very long time of cycling thru binges, abstinence (but not sobriety) and trying to moderate my drinking. it didn't work. all the other times i have failed it has been because i wasn't ready to treat myself well--i always quit in pain, fear, shame, or under duress. i'd say the shakes are a big red flag for you, especially with your history and genetic predisposition to alcohol abuse and dependence.

i din't click with aa, but have found women for sobriety to be a huge lifeline. please let us know how you are doing. don't wait until middle age to realize what you are doing to destroy your body and soul..:heartbeat:redpinkhe:heartbeat

ps--i lurked around this forum for a long time without posting, bcause i knew i wanted to quit but didn't want to yet in the past. ask yourself what you would say to your very best friend if she shared this all with you.....but no finger pointing from me, i put off sobriety as long as i thought i could, until i was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

jnks,

i'm an alkie in recovery and appreciate your honesty in your post. i think that you already know that answers to your own questions. you've gotten some good guidance here.

as for me, the "shakes" went hand in hand (we may not be able to drink, but we can still laugh!) with the time of day that i began to detox. at my end (7 years ago), i had to drink every 50 minutes to keep the shakes away. this disease is insidious and patient. it doesn't care how long it has to wait (while you are in recovery). while you are clean, it's doing pushups and getting stronger and stronger and stronger.

here's the scary part of it, again, my opinion only...if you get into recovery and then relapse, you don't pick up where you left off--you pick up as though you had never stopped at all.

i don't know what you training in substance abuse is, but etoh is one of the only substances that you can die from from a cold turkey detox. depending on how much you are consuming, and if you hands are shaking daily, it's probably past a safe point, i would strongly recommend that you find yourself a safe medical detox. please do not fool around with this. tell work and your loved ones whatever you need to, but get yourself into a good inpatient rehab and listen to what they say. most competent rehabs will encourage you to work the 12 steps of aa (or na.)

someone mentioned your dh. no matter how well you think you've hidden this, most people already know or suspect. honey, you have a disease that you were born with. you didn't cause this, nor are you responsible for it. however, you are responsible for what you do from here on in.

had i not grudingly gotten myself to rehab after rehab and meeting after meeting, i would be dead now. i have been hospitalized many times--too many to count, and go to at least one meeting a day even after 7 years. some of my best friend in the program are folks with 30 years sober who are still hitting daily meetings, giving themselves to service, and passing the message along.

don't rely on you dh to help you get through this. he has his sobriety to maintain. support each other, but you need to find a good group of women, grab a sponsor who has a sponsor herself and go find out what you've been missing in life.

xoxo,

annie b.

please excuse any typos or grammar mistakes. it's been a long day.