this is a story that I have been wanting to tell for some time. the idea of typing these words gives me an energy that trembles me to my core. I have practiced nursing for no longer than 2 years but I have so much to say. I have an extensive leadership background and once immersed into the lunacy of this field I realize there is a deficiency. I started at a trauma one education hospital in the operating room. during orientation I was the only one to not sign a union contract. my reasoning you ask? I didn't believe in unions after the weekend was established back when unions were needed. I believed that unions in the current day served the purpose of robing people of their money but now I believe they serve a new purpose. during my orientation they made a public announcement that there was ONE person that had not signed up and that this was a fleeting opportunity, this was my last chance. I did not sign up. the training resembled less of an education and more of a hazing gaslight model. I started off as a promising candidate and was publicly announced as one in front of my cohort. things were looking great prospectively. as the weeks went on in my 6 month orientation to the operating room I looked less and less as a promising candidate. by month 3 I was called into the supervisors office for questioning as to why I was not at the appropriate developmental stage as my other peers in the operating room. I was at the same stage as others. we did rotations every month from one service line to the next. I rotated through head and neck, robotics, kidney transplant, gyn, endocrinology. I scrubbed and I circulated. my preceptors were less than kind. I was sabotaged, I was harassed, I was humiliated. it got to the point that I went home and no longer recognized myself for the person that I new myself to be, I went on antidepressants. my educator, the woman that was there to protect and progress me was using my words against me. the educator was there for meetings that would implicate me. and in the free time of surgery I was called aside by her into empty operating rooms with my preceptor of the day and they would ask me what was wrong with me and how I can improve. the examples of imprecation were this: "you seemed to have prepped the patients skin too wide from the incision site, it seemed like you didn't even know what surgery you were doing" "did you know by using two chloroprep sticks to prep the field that you are using a skin irritant and are causing undue stress to the patient" they called me into a room the size of of a closet to practice my interviewing skills. they said I touched my ear lobe too much during talking to the patients and I appeared nervous. I was to perform my interview in front of my nursing supervisor, my preceptor, and my educator. I attempted my interview using them as mock patients. start over they said, my interview was not good. start over again they said, I still needed to work on the interview. why not try saying this instead, they said, which was just a minor variation of what I was saying before. fast forward a day later, it is 7 am and my supervisor calls me out of the hallway to speak with me. she says, "what was that yesterday?" I say that I do not know and that I have lost my confidence severely because of such claims by my superiors. I am under investigation, it is my 3rd month in the operating room, she says that she will be my preceptor personally for one shift to get to the bottom of these claims. I agree but I never get to the appointment that she has set. one week later I am doing a general shift. my preceptor says that she trusts me and that I know how to drop off a specimen, I find that to be an odd statement because every preceptor prior would follow me to the specimen room to observe the drop off. It is an easy task and I walk to the room, I place the sticker, I log the specimen. as I walk down the hallway my preceptor of the day calls out to me. she says, "I cannot find the specimen nor the log of the patient name in the book" I flip for minutes till it is 30 minutes. I flipped into my lunch break and I could not find the material that I had vividly registered. they had found a way to get rid of me. you see, to lose a specimen in the OR is the equivalent of turning in your resignation. they had turned my resignation in for me. I left the facility after that. I felt as though I was crazy. this was my first nursing job but by no means not my first job ever. by knowing my previous work experience I knew what toxic looked like. I work in an operating room at a different facility, I worked my way from the ground up and had not heard one complaint. I am a rockstar here. my point? I want to make so many. my point is that some nurses are toxic people, especially those at sparkling facilities. it does not make them any better than those that have worked community hospitals. travelers are the most kind nurses you will run into. they are the most kind souls and they want to help unlike those that are corrupted. unions serve a vital purpose but often to the point that they are communistic and that one must conform. I love the operating room. some have tried to take it away from me but they have failed. Some days are difficult some, some nights I wake up in turmoil over things that no longer matter and are just "there" to take advantage of a person willing to learn your field of interest and to squander that opportunity is the equivalent of devouring innocence and fosters survivalist mentality that is toxic to the following generation. please break the cycle.