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Discussion

please help me correct my essay

my name is Pat. i just moved to usa and i enroll to the VN program. they need an essay from me " why i want to become an LVN?" my english is poorly. please help correct it. thank you.

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Why do I want to become an LVN?

I never think that a countryside girl from Thailand like me will have so much opportunity in life. Growing up in the farmer families is impossible for me to get a good education due to financial problems. My dad doesn't have enough money to pay for the school and books because it so expensive. He doesn't have money for me to buy the school uniform. So, my dad decided to moved to the United Stated of America. The dream country for everybody. By the time I entranced this country; I see different social life and how people from here and from Thailand are so much different. Their life style of living are totally different. What I like is I don't have to wear a uniform to school like Thailand. Also, they have a computer lab for all the students to use. I don't just get the superior life, but also a better education that granted me to my dream job called nurse”. I want to become a nurse because I want to take care of elderly who doesn't have anyone to care for them. I don't want to be only their nurse and work under the doctor instruction, but I want to work as a part of their family. Care them like I care about my family members. I beileve I can be a good nurse with kindly and caring heart.

after worked at the University Post Acute rehab as a nursing assistant. Working over there inspired me to my futher education. While working their I saw alots of good nurses and doctors, who work so hard to make the patient and their family satisfied on the care they need. No matter how hard the situation are; they still have a smile on their face. Nursing job is not just a career that anyone can pursue, you have to have a passion to work with others people and deal with their life condition. You need to have a cheerful heart and positive attitude. I think I can be one of the good nurse in the future because from working as a nursing assisstant, I have learned alots of lesson and gain so much experices about nursing filed. the people who most make me want to become a nurse is my younger sister. She were born in deaf and she 2 years old delay from what her exact age. I want to take care her and help out my parents who doesn't speak english and doesn't know much about the nursing care, amd medical filed. I want to be one of the family who at least can help them when they get sick and when they need help with minor health problems. Seeing my mom help my sister with her daily rounties inspired me so much. It always bring me with full of energy and strong feeling of how much the mother can care about her kids. So, if I am become a nurse I will not just take good care of my own family, but I will also take good care of my patient and using my heart to work with them and under the stressful time. I believe if you study hard and pay attention on what you learn at the end you will receive a good result. The countryside girl from Thailand will pursue her dream and study hard to achieve a career that she want to work for the future.

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    Pat, your essay has a lot of great qualities but it does have many grammatical errors. Does the VN program have a writing center on the campus? If so, schedule an appointment with the writing center for tutoring to improve your essay.

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    I agree with achurley. Your essay has great content, but there are lots of grammatical errors that are very common for individuals for whom English is a second language. A few examples:

    Verb tense errors ("I never think that a countryside girl...")

    Improper use of articles ("Growing up in the farmer families")

    Subject-verb agreement ("I want to take care of the elderly who doesn't have anyone...")

    Sentence fragment ("The dream country for everybody")

    Verb phrase/syntax error ("I want to take care her and help out...")

    Running your essay through a grammar analysis program such as grammarly.com will highlight most of your syntactic errors. However, this would only serve as a stopgap measure that would not address the root of the problem.

    I agree that the content of your essay is captivating and heartfelt, but the syntactic errors make it difficult to read. You can find an English as a Second Language class by going to this website from the US Department of Education: Adult English Language Instruction. Most community colleges offer ESL/ESOL classes, and the majority of these classes are offered for free. If you are unable to take a course at a CC at this time, there are several online ESOL programs that are quite comprehensive and would meet your needs for the time being. You will be required to take the TEAS exam before acceptance into a nursing program. You may also be required to take the TOEFL as part of the application process, depending on the program.

    It sounds like you have a strong conviction to this course of study. Working on your English literacy skills will not only benefit you as a potential nursing student, but you may also motivate those around you to do the same. I wish you the best.

    mm

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    I am no English major, but I took the liberty of rewording your essay a bit. I still highly suggest seeing a professional writing teacher to correct what mistakes that I may have made. Also, you will have a very hard time getting through nursing school if you continue to write like that.

    I never thought that a countryside girl from Thailand, like me, would have so many opportunities in life. Growing up in a poor family and living on a farm, I thought it was impossible for me to earn a proper education. My dad never had the money to provide for my educational needs back in Thailand. Therefore, my dad decided to move to the United Stated of America. The dream-country for a lot of people. When I entered this country, I experienced a culture shock. For example, I don't have to wear a uniform to school. Also, they have a computer lab for all the students to use. Not only does life here feel superior, but it also yields more opportunities for a better education.

    My dream-job is to become a nurse. I want to take care of the elderly because some of them do not have anyone to do so. Furthermore, not only do I want to provide care, but I also want to feel like a member of their family. I have worked as a CNA, and learning what nurses do in a hospital setting inspired me to continue my education. Also, while working there, I saw lots of good nurses and doctors. They all work so hard to satisfy the needs of their patients, and their patient's families. They did this with a smile, regardless of the circumstances. I understand that Nursing is not a career for just anyone. One must have a passion to care for others. I believe that one needs to have a cheerful heart and positive attitude. In my experience as a CNA, I have gained enough insight into the nursing world to know that I can be one of the better ones. My younger sister, who was born deaf, as one might imagine, requires a lot of extra care. My mother has always provided this care. Seeing her do this inspired me to pursue a career in nursing. I wish to provide the same level of care to my future patients that my mother has provided to my sister all these years. I know that my journey will not be easy, and that many obstacles lie in front of me. However, with hard work and a good attitude, I know that I can achieve my goals.

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