New Scientific Discovery!!!

Science Flash! New Element is Discovered at Local Hospital!" Without intended offense, regular contributor Teri Salisbury (herself an administrator!) tells us the following earth-shattering news from the Lab. Teri thinks that this "bulletin" may have originated with Amy Bretts at Indiana University.

The heaviest element ever discovered by researchers has recently been reported by physicists.

The element, tentatively named

ADMINISTRATIUM, appears to be very closely related to BUREAUCRATIUM -- a known deadly poison.

ADMINISTRATIUM has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0.

Early tests, however, suggest that it does have:

- one neutron

- 125 Assistant Neutrons

- 75 Vice Neutrons, and

- 111 Assistant Vice Nuetrons, which together give it an atomic mass of 312.

Properties: These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called MORONS.

It is also surrounded by vast quantities of Lepton-like particles called PEONS.

Since it has no electrons, ADMINISTRATIUM is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with.

According to its discoverers, a minute amount of ADMINISTRATIUM causes a simple reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.

ADMINISTRATIUM has a normal half-life of approximately Three Years, at which time it does not decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which Assistant Neutrons, Vice Neutrons, and Assistant Vice Neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Occurrences: Research at numerous laboratories nationwide indicates that that ADMINISTRATIUM occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as hospitals and medical centers, healthcare corporate offices, government agencies, and universities.

ADMINISTRATIUM can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed, and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that ADMINISTRATIUM is known to be toxic at any level of concentration, and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate.

Attempts are being made to determine how ADMINISTRATIUM can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but early results are said to not be very promising