NEED SOME ADVICE

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Hi,

I need some advice. I just started nursing school in August and I have been married for 3 years. My wife is very jealous of all the girls in my class (although there's only 1 girl under the age of 35 and she's not attractive at all). She's came and walked by the classroom and she knows this but she's like having panic attacks every time I'm at school. She's also really worried about when I have to do the OB rotation and see girls naked. I've tried to explain to her that it's a professional setting and I would never think of it sexually no matter who it was naked, let alone with a baby coming out! She just keeps having panic attacks and I really don't know how to console her. Basically I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas. She says she's really scared of me finding someone "better" and leaving her. I think she's an amazing wife and a great mother to our 6 month old daughter she just can't stop obsessing over this. (and then she came on here and saw someone post about the beautiful girls in their classes and freaked out more).

Just for reference I have never done anything even remotely close to being unfaithful. She had a very hard childhood and was sexually abused for many years by a family member, so I'm not upset that she is so scared, I just was wondering if anyone had any ideas on what to say? Besides the normals "i wont leave you" "i love you" "it's a professional setting", etc.

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You said you have a 6 month old, right? After having had 2 children myself, I can sort of empathize with your wife. You feel fat and ugly and are a little "out of sorts" mentally. Keep reassuring her that all is fine with you and maybe do lttle things like cards or flowers. Make her dinner or breakfast in bed. Anything that will make her feel loved should help! Give it some time... Kelli

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I definitely agree with the fact that we are out of it for a while after having a baby. Was she like this before the baby (jealous, even though you weren't in nursing school yet)? She's definitely having self-esteem issues. Part of it might be that you are getting out and learning new things and she's at home with the kid (as joyful as spending time with a baby is, it can take its toll).

Definitely do what you can to boost her up for now. If it doesn't get any better, maybe you could suggest that she talk to her doctor about her feelings and fears. You can both get through this! It might take a bit, though. Good luck.

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i am not married, very unexperienced in that area. but, i am a woman and mother and can understand the feelings your wife is dealing with. honestly there is no answer, your wife just had a baby 6 months ago, i am no psychologist, but it sounds like her self- esteem is broken and not to mention her childhood problems. i had post partum depression after i had my son and it was a time of self hate and rebuilding for me. you attending nursing school is just making things worst for her, i am not saying drop out of nursing school, or even try to give you comforting words to tell her because in reality thats something she probably won't respond well to. if you guys attend church, i suggest consulting with a counselor of some sort in order to get through this turmoil. nursing school is difficult enough and her creating even more stress and anxiety for you will only create a barrier of trouble in your marriage. it's nice that u are in a class with older women and the youngest is unattractive, but there are some beautiful nurses, nursing students, and even patients (even those u may have to insert a foley in) and reguardless of their apperance you will have to work with them some day. nursing is a career and school is tough, these problems could cause future resentment in your marriage if some coping strategy aren't put in place. it is great that you are addressing these problems now, but please find your wife some sort of help these problems are not going to go away. best of luck!:nurse:

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Specializes in Emergency Dept. Trauma. Pediatrics.

Does she have any hobbies??? When I was at the beginning of my marriage with my husband and I stayed home and took care of the babies and he was off at work I would get jealous. Not only did I feel insecure about myself, he gets hit on a lot and he was working at car dealerships with lots of attractive woman. It seemed like it was a requirement that all the office girls had to be hot :stone

Anyway, I think what was hardest is that I didn't have anything, I mean I took care of the kids but that was it, I had no social life, I wasn't involved in anything, all I did was take care of the house and kids and worry about my husband. It wasn't healthy at all. You can tell her she is the only one and all the good stuff until you are blue in the face but she has to believe it in herself before she believes it in you. Also they are just words, not that it's not good to say those things, but sometimes actions can lift ones spirits better. Randomly getting her a mushy card and adding to it how important she is to you. Finding a babysitter and taking her out on a date. By DOING things she will start feeling things again in herself.

Is she overweight from having the baby?? If so, of course don't say anything about her weight, but try to ask her how she is feeling about her self and if she is saying she doesn't like her body maybe you guys can start going on walks together. If you are being intimate take extra time for foreplay and not make her feel like it's just sex but that it's an act of love and desire you feel for her.

She should have a healthy social life, one that doesn't evolve around JUST being a mom but something for herself.

It sounds like you are being proactive and off to a good start asking for help, jealousy and insecurities can do so much damage to a relationship.

Even though nursing is saturated more with woman, it didn't stop my husband from getting jealous and insecure when I started school or when I worked and he is a very confident person.

Anyway I hope this helps and I hope things get better.

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Naked ? Are u serious ? We have to get naked in school ?

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Specializes in Emergency Dept. Trauma. Pediatrics.
Naked ? Are u serious ? We have to get naked in school ?

He said she was worried about him getting to OB rotation and SEEING girls naked. I am pretty sure if you are a nurse you will be seeing nakedness, not that YOU have to get naked :p

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Okay, sorry but that was hilarious!!:chuckle

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Haha. NOT me naked!! Thanks for all of the advice. I actually see her point a lot more now that other people are saying it and not just her.

We were both in school together, she was going for nursing and me accounting until I was always way more interested in her work than mine and she told me to switch to nursing but I was nervous to because of all of the stereotyping (which hasn't been an issue with me so far), but we were both supposed to start in august so she's been jealous that I'm moving on with her dream and she's not.

Hearing other ladies say how they understand her feelings makes it a lot easier for me to understand them, too, for some reason.

She is 5'4 and was 105 lbs going into the pregnancy with a very gorgeous face, she got looked and stares all the time. now she's 130 lbs and although I think she still looks amazing she's really insecure about it. I have a hard time listening to her complain about her looks because she's still just as pretty but she's always saying she's enormous.

She goes to church every Sunday (I work or I'd go with her) but I'm going to try and encourage her to talk to the Father about it. I agree that she needs a hobby. She hasn't been away from our daughter for 30 seconds since she's been born. I work full time plus school and she refuses to let anyone watch our daughter except for her. I think she just needs some time to get used to things and I'm going to get her something special next week to try and show her how much she means to me.

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I really think as much as you may try to reassure her, this is something she is going to have to work through on her own. Its hard to become really insecure when you have a baby, and feel like you are stuck at home with the baby, the bottles, the diapers and your body not looking like it used to. I think you are doing a great job in talking to her and letting you know that you are being faithful, but she is going to have to trust that you are doing this for your family. Maybe the two of you setting up a date night once a week will give her a chance to get out with you and leave baby at home. I don't know if you guys have childcare options but if you have family or friends willing to help out, let them! Encourage her to start getting out of the house during the day, whether its for a quiet lunch by herself, or to get a manicure. YOu sound like a great guy and you seem like you are doing your best to reassure her, good luck to you.

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