My first colonoscopy

[Tim Holloway RN]

Over the years I've written poetry reflective of my nursing career. AT one time I thought I had enough material to do stand up comedy. While attending a workshop my comedy instructor asked me to compose a funny poem.

Let me know what you think....

OUR FIRST COLONOSCOPY

AS WE JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE, THERE SOON COMES A TIME

WHEN WE CAN NO LONGER SAY OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND

THOUGH THEY TELL US IT WILL HAPPEN AS WE GROW OLDER

WE OFTEN PANIC WHEN OUR BOWEL HABITS BECOME SLOWER

SO WITH MY BUTT HANGING OUT, TIGHTLY CLUTCHING MY KNEES

I'M POSITIONED AND READIED FOR MY FIRST COLONOSCOPY

OVERCOME WITH DESPAIR i WHIMPER AND WHINE

AS THE THEME SONG FROM DELIVERANCE PLAYS WITH MY MIND

SOON THE DOCTOR ARRIVES AND WITH A WICKED LITTLE GRIN

TELLS ME TO CLOSE MY EYES AND RELAX, HE'S ABOUT TO BEGIN

THEN SPREADING MY CHEEKS JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE

ANNOUNCES HE'S GOING IN WHERE NO MAN HAS BEEN BEFORE

WITH THE CRACK OF MY EXISTENCE NOW TOTALLY EXPOSED

MY EYES BECOME CROSSED AS HE INSERTS HIS HOSE

FIRST IT'S IN, THEN IT'S OUT, THEN IT'S BACK IN AGAIN

OH MY DEAR GOD,

PLEASE LET THIS NIGHTMARE COME TO AN END!

WITH MORE TWISTS AND TURNS I BEGIN TO SPUTTER AND CHOKE

THE TUBE UP MY BUTT FEELS LIKE IT'S NOW IN MY THROAT

MY EYES SWELL WITH TEARS AS HE GIVES ME THE NEWS,

YOU NEED TO RELAX, I'M ONLY HALF THROUGH

THE ROOM STARTS TO SPIN, I'M ABOUT TO GO BLIND

THE THEME SONG FROM DELIVERANCE RAGES ON IN MY MIND

JUST WHEN I THINK THIS NIGHTMARE CAN'T GET ANY WORSE

I LOOK UP TO SEE NED BEATTY STANDING IN AS MY NURSE

THE SILENCE IS DEAFENING, THE AIR QUICKLY CHILLS

AS NED LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS, "LAY PERFECTLY STILL"

"OH MY GOD, IS SOMETHING WRONG?" I ANXIOUSLY CRY

"NAH, THE DOCTOR JUST GOT SOME STUFF IN HIS EYE"

AFTER WHAT SEEMED TO BE MOST OF ETERNITY TO ME

THE DOCTOR TELLS ME HE'S DONE WITH MY COLONOSCOPY

THEN LOOKING AT ME WITH HIS WICKED LITTLE GRIN

HE GIVES ME THE NEWS

YOU'RE AS CLEAN AS A WHISTLE AND SOUND LIKE ONE TOO!

TIM HOLLOWAY RN PHX AZ

[delvenia]

ewwww!!!!

[noreenl]

OMG!!!!! That was HYSTERICAL!!!!!!:chuckle:imbar:no::lol2::bow::hhmth:

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Now that is HILARIOUS!!!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I just can't wait NOT to do this.............

[teeniebert, LPN]

hmm...my first colonoscopy was nothing like that. I remember turning on my left side...and that's about it!