Going back

I became disabled in 2005 and had to go on disability. I hated it I worked in critical care for 38 yrs and I had been told I excelled in arrythmias, that I was the go to girl.

I wasn't a happy camper about not working. My mobilty was affected. My right leg was much shorter than my left so I had a severe limp (botched hip replacement had to have 2 within a week on same leg) and plus I have severe psorriatic rhematoid arthritis that has twisted up my joints also.

Think about it I went from critical thinking mode to dead stop and watching Dr. Phil. I would have dreams that I had gone down for dinner and when it was time to go back I couldn't find my way back or people would stop to talk and not let me go back to the unit. Or I would come to work and I wasn't working there any more so I would work anyway and hope the manager wouldn't catch me. I would wake up in a panic because I couldn't get back to my patients. And I couldn't get my night clock turned back to days either so I slept all day and sat by myself at night.

I decided to find something to do after sitting on the couch for five yrs. I also let my license lapse since I knew I would never be able to do hands on care. Just living on my disability. I would still check who was hiring and what kind of jobs were out there, stuff like that.

One day at my old hospital they had an ad for a monitor tech but it was full time days. I called and asked about it and put in a application for it and the recruiter (a friend, no less) told me no. More depression.

Fast forward a couple of months ago I saw another monitor tech job at a different hospital. So I tried again, had a good interview and they were even nice enough to call me and say they went with a more experienced person.(Hello 38 years here). She asked if she could keep my number I told her sure. I really just kinda figure I was too old, too fat, and much too crippled up. I walk with a cane.

They called me a couple of weeks ago and offered me a job as a monitor tech nights, occ part time 3 days a week. How could this be anymore perfect? I start Friday night. and I get to keep my disability for right now.

Now this is how crazy I am. I just knew all the nurses were looking down at me because I didn't have my license any more. and thinking Oh I bet she lost it in some sort of deadly action on my part. OMG what is wrong with me? I got a godgiven job and I am embarassed?