feeling utterly defeated

Published

Hi All-

I'm new to this, so bear with me. I've actually been reading these posts for the past few weeks, and they've brought me a great deal of comfort. I have been feeling so low the past couple of weeks and decided maybe it was time I put my thoughts down on paper...err, on cyberspace that is.

Let me start by saying, I'm not a new nurse. I've actually been a nurse for 2 years, but I'm in a new job and feel like a brand new nurse all over again. So I figured this was the most appropriate place to post. About 2 months ago I moved to a new city, new state, took a new job- on my own, no family or friends in my new environment (although I do have a pretty awesome cat). I'm having a really hard time adjusting to my new job, the staff, the culture of the hospital. I really enjoyed my old job- working on a very busy, hectic heme-onc floor. Don't get me wrong, it was stressful and draining. My first 6 months were really hard....but with time, I became more relaxed and confident in my practice. By my 2nd year's end, I was perhaps even 'good' at that job. Most importantly, I really bonded with my coworkers. They were so supportive; in fact, they became my friends and surrogate family (my first job as a nurse was far away from home too).

Sadly, I'm even farther from my home now (which is on the east coast). I don't know why I do these things? Pack up, move to big, unfamiliar cities far away with no support system? Perhaps to assert my independence? To prove I can do it? Perhaps to get away from some bad habits? Well, regardless, I take the blame for that. This was my doing, my idea. But I am having an awfully painful time transitioning to this new setting. I'm working on a BMT unit...so, similar to my past heme-onc job, but at the same time..totally different too in terms of charting, equipment, procedures/protocol. What's most upsetting is I feel so alone on the unit. With the exception of 2-3 other staff, there's little effort made to engender a welcoming and supportive environment. I was given a traumatizingly brief orientation, especially for such a specialized unit. I'm pretty sure no one would know my name if it weren't for my ID badge.

I try so hard to stay on top of things....run around all day to get antibiotics in, transfusions, dressing changes, new orders, making sure patients are feeling well cared for. I do care so deeply about the patients. But I feel so overwhelmed and can't yet take in 'the bigger picture' like some of the more senior staff. I've worked there less than 2 months after all. But when giving report in the evenings, I feel like a dundering idiot- not worthy of taking up space on the planet. I feel so alone when faced with new situations- and everything is pretty much new for me. I just wish there were a few friendly faces....people I felt comfortable asking for help. I'm battling some marked depression and anxiety, for which I will be seeking counseling and meds once my health coverage kicks in. But until then, I can't sleep or eat. I cry and sometimes throw up before and after work. On my days off, I obsess about work. I'm completely fixated on my feelings of unworthiness. I know it's an unproductive and psychologically damaging thought pattern, but I can't seem to break it.

Honestly, if I could just wave a magic wand, I'd be back in my previous state in my previous job, working with people that looked out for me. I'm not sure exactly what I'm seeking with this post. Perhaps I just wanted to get some of these painful feelings off my chest? Perhaps I am looking for some reassurance or comfort? Perhaps I want to feel as if I'm being heard (because I'm certain no one at my new job recognizes my struggle). I truly was good at my old job, will I get better at this? Will this get easier and hurt less? I've not even been at this hospital for 2 months...perhaps I'm being hard on myself for not knowing it all yet. Is it premature to want to leave? I just can't help but think I've made a terrible mistake in moving so far away and taking a new job. Originally, I wanted to challenge myself with a new job and move to a big, well regarded city. I don't know....it made me feel courageous. Now I feel stupid, meek, terrified, alone.

Sorry about this long, melancholy post (that's another problem I have....I feel the need to apologize for everything...I think it's a product of being raised Catholic, heh heh). This probably isn't even worth responding too. But for anyone out there that's read this whole thing, thank you. :sniff:

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Specializes in Med Surg, Ortho.

BIG :icon_hug:Hugs go out to you. I'm sorry, I think it will take some time to adjust. Hang in there with that kitty of yours. It will get better.

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Specializes in ER, Med-surg.

Hey- I'm not even a new nurse yet, I'm still a student, but I stumbled across your post and I felt a certain kinship, because I feel horribly adrift and homesick for my last job for a period every time I switch jobs and it's the thing I'm least looking forward to about being a new grad.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you're very brave for moving cross-country by yourself, you sound really self-aware and mature w/regard to your feelings, and... well, just hang in there and I hope things get better for you soon.

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Specializes in LTC, Med-Surg, IMCU/Tele, HH/CM.

Hey there. I am sort of in the same boat as you, except I just graduated. But I picked up and moved 1700 miles from home, and I don't know a soul, and my family is back where I came from, and i dont know where anything is in this city. I keep getting lost and driving around the block again and again. I am also suffering from anxiety and depression, and it's definately worse after the move, but I'm cautious about seeking counseling right now.

So anyway I guess my point is that you are not alone and that there are others (me at least) in the same boat as you. If you need a cyber friend or someone to talk to who is in a similar situation you can send me a message on here or I have AIM as well.

All I can say is keep your chin up and hopefully things will get better. That's what I try to do anyway.

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Specializes in Utilization Management.

I'm a little clumsy with the words, but here goes:

When you move from one place to another and from one job to another, you're changing your entire system of support. Your life focus narrows to the activities that you must do as opposed to the pleasurable things that you used to choose to do.

You might be ignoring your needs for recreation, spirituality, and community.

It's all about balance. You need to begin building something that is not the job, the job, the job. Join a church, a gym, a hobby, some kind of healthy or health-oriented group that will begin to provide you with some activity that is not connected to your job and ultimately will become a constructive coping mechanism for the daily stresses that we all endure in this profession.

Even here at AN we have a forum for people to help deal with the stress of the singular focus of the job, the job, the job. Here is the link to the Health & Stress Management forum, and there are some great ideas and long-running threads that everyone is welcome to be a part of to glean new ideas and new ways to cope with our very stressful lives. Browse through the threads, make your own, you'll certainly get ideas for coping and relief.

https://allnurses.com/forums/f240/

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Some times big city hospitals are cold and lonely. Maybe look for a smaller, community hospital. Don't stay at a job that is making you ill. There is nothing wrong with moving and seeking adventure, you can make things fit your style, sometimes you have to shop around.

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Specializes in telemetry, long-term care, oncology.

I just posted in another thread, I like to change jobs, though it is uncomfortable for awhile. I just moved back to the East Coast also. There are more (hate to say it) mean people here, emotional coolness is more accepted in the culture here. I hope you can find some encouraging friends, maybe we are working on the same unit and don't know it yet :-) sometimes I wish I were in my 20's again with all the energy, but I try to focus on the joy of caring for the patients. I like to try to get co-workers to laugh and lighten up too. Find your encourager, stay open to a new friendship. I too felt ignored by some of the older nurses, but I try to show an interest in them and what they are going through. It is great when someone listens to you. Hope you feel better soon!!

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Specializes in neonatal, postpartum.

Hang in there!!! You were brave enough to pack up and move away from everything that was familiar to you, of course you are going to feel like a fish out of water for a while. You are going to be a great nurse at this job too, just give yourself some time!:heartbeat

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