Feeling detached after a rough week

[RN4Little1s]

This past week and a half have been physically and emotionally draining. Luckily I have been able to talk and vent with my close co-workers. But to come home and keep feeling the way I do honestly just sucks right now. My husband doesn't know what to do with me because he says it feels like I'm not even "here" right now. My poor mom has me crying to her on the phone at 8am on my way home from night shift, not really understanding any of the medical terms necessary to know the crtitical situation I just faced.

So here's what happened. I work night shift. Last week a baby I cared for for months passed away unexectedly after a long night shift. I thought the cries from his parents, who I loved, were the must gutwrenching things I had ever heard. I was not his nurse that night, but of course we all worked together to do whatever needed to be done. When I wasn't helping or working with my kiddos, I was silently sobbing in the corner. I didn't want the parents to see me this way, I knew it probably wasn't that professional, but I couldn't help it. This was the first baby I have been really attached to that has passed away. I helped with the bereavement in the morning.

One week later. We're a surgical unit and I admitted a little 1 1/2 month old premie with NEC who needed to go to the OR but never made it there. She passed away in the morning. When I heard her parents' cries after the doctor told them it was over, I had flashbacks and felt like whoa this is too soon. As I went home that day I pretty much felt detached. I didn't know that baby, but I watched her die. Other nurses knew that baby at her birth hospital, took care of her for weeks, probably loved that family. Yet I had to start the bereavement process for them and do the best I could. It was extremely different than the other baby's passing, but just multiplied the pain I have.

On top of all this, we suffered the loss of a family friend last week and went through all the funeral stuff for that. I feel a little lost in death right now. Why is it surrounding me? And as far as my patients go, for those who share my Christian faith, I can't help myself asking why is God taking away these beautiful gifts he gave us? Any consoling thoughts, prayers, or advice are appreciated.

[prmenrs, RN]

I strongly suggest you see if your hospital has an Employee Assistance Program; get in touch w/them for some "de-briefing" type counseling. That is free.

If you can't get that, get some kind of counseling. You've been traumatized by these 3 very sad events so close together. It's very imp't you get some supportive help dealing w/your sadness.

This is my take on the religious aspect: God has made us human. Humans get sick, they die, they make terrible choices. If we didn't get sick, etc, we wouldn't BE human, we'd be angels or something else. God loves us and wants the best for us, but He can't change our basic human nature. His love is always there to help us in our path thru life. And I'm sure He wants us to get help when our lives get to be too much--i.e., counseling, etc.

Your husband and family are awesome! Let DH hold and comfort you when you feel really sad--and thank your mom for being there to listen!

[HeatherTN]

I just want to send you huge hugs ((hugs)) Like the other person posting said someone to talk to at work would maybe be a huge benefit to you.....your husband and mom sound great and I'm sure they want to help any way they can.

I just want to say that it sounds like you are great at your job....not only does it sound you give excellent care to your patients but emotionally support their families as well. Not everyone can do that and that alone makes you special.

Take care

Heather

[sweetspirit]

Hugs to you! I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult week! Although I am not a NICU nurse (yet!)...I just wanted to tell you I was thinking of you! Keep holding onto your faith in Christ! You sound like such a caring and loving nurse! My son passed away at 29 weeks and for a long time I wondered why he allowed such a horrible tragedy to happen....but that was 5 1/2 years ago and I would truly not be the nurse or woman I am today had it not been for God choosing to take him.... and although I miss him terribly, I am one of the lucky ones because I know that my son is in heaven!:1luvu:

[Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP]

I strongly second what prmenrs says and find yourself some outside help, someone who can help you look @ the situation objectively, be it via EAP or some other professional counseling. I have been to EAP myself for work related things and they are very very good.

You are not crazy for being upset by 3 back-to-back losses like this. You are perfectly normal, with obviously a very big caring heart and I know your patients/families are blessed by you. Cry when you need to (hey, Jesus did), even if it's at work. And you might try journaling too.

Big hugs to you. I am a Christian too....I believe that God knows your heart and walks with you.

[RN4Little1s]

huuuuuuh... sighs of relief. I talked to my manager at work. She was a sounding board because I know that everyone in my pod has gone through a lot of these experiences lately and since she's not on the floor she wasn't tired of talking about all this death! We also have our own chaplain and I am going to speak with her when she's in. Also, I bought a journal and I am going to get things out on paper!

It comforts me to hear from those who have lost little ones and that they have found peace. If they can find meaning behind all this, surely I can. I find that having these experiences makes me prioritize life better. I am a very indecisive person, but little things like what to order at Outback or which color of dress seem so much easier now because I know the BIG picture. I feel that few people have a job that allows them to do that. BUT I almost can't stand listening to actresses/mucisions talk about their "rough" life when I know what my job deals with! Ahhh!

I have had a good week at work. I started an IV today on the first try! :loveya:I know, I know, but it's BIG for me. I lack confidence in that skill and I was very excited. So thanks for all your comments. It's great to have people to vent to on here!