Divorce & Nursing

Are you divorced now? I can say that I like you have been in the business for some time. I did not get married until I was 31 years old and had my one and only child at 32 (yes, I was pregnant when I got married)! But I did not have to get married, I did because I met the most wonderful divorced man with 2 other children, in the world (ok to me, he is). I can tell you that he has been extremely supportive for all of us when I returned to complete my BSN. But there's a catch, I wanted to finish up with my NP. My loving husband rapidly replied with "if anyone goes back to school, I am". My husband wasn't very supportive with that statement????? But I realized all that he had been sacrificing for me and now it was my turn to sacrifice for him. I encouraged him to complete his teaching degree, he is great in art. He has since then changed his mind and wants me to go back and finish, if I really want to. His children are older and my stepdaughter has 2 children of her own. I can say that for "ADVISE", it takes a lot of work within yourselves and those who are also involved in your life. Love, support, patience, understanding, encouragement, doing for all, sacrifice (biggest).

BUT ALWAYS REMEMBER ONE THING "YOUR FAMILY IS SECOND IN YOUR LIFE, ALWAYS PUT GOD FIRST AND HE WILL NEVER FAIL YOU", YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND OTHER JOBS THAT WILL FIT INTO YOUR LIVES WITHOUT ALL THE SACRAFICE!!!!!!!! HAPPINESS FULLFILLS A HAPPY HEART, YOU HAVE TO BE HAPPY AND LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN LOVE ANOTHER. Hoped this helped, it did me.

Moho:D

I've been out of school for a long time, but I recall noting in school how many women were either in the process of a divorce or planning a divorce for after graduation. I had the idea nursing school was bringing some much wanted independence to some.

I dated my husband during school. He offered me coffee (I had left my previous boyfriend for excessive alcohol intake) and to help me with my math. Turned out I knew more math than he did.

Now, my husband might complain on occasion that I don't take care of him when he's sick. On the other hand, he's somewhat of a hypochondriac. If one of the kids becomes ill, my husband is likely to take the next day off from work just in case he gets ill, too. If he has a loose stool Monday, he'll probably skip work on Tuesday. The fact is, he just likes to skip work alot. If he feels he's not getting 'proper' attention he'll complain 'Well, you're a nurse. I'd think you could tell when someone is sick!". I tell him "Yes, I can, and it's not you."

If he is really sick, I'll put him to bed, bring soup and water and medication, and check on him frequently, and give him lots of 'poor baby's'. So if he's really ill, I do take good care of him. Fact is, he's just not that sick often (yea). I just don't coddle him when he plays hooky from work.

Hmmm...contributing factors? Let's see...

How about this? A female nurse works her buns off for > 12 hours providing care to really sick people. She comes home to the expectation that she continue to work, this time providing sustenance to the spouse who's been home for 2 hours & didn't bother feeding the kids. He then complains about her job...but really enjoys the 2nd paycheck (especially if it's larger than his own).

I currently do not live in such circumstances (hallelujah!) but have heard of many who do. I have experienced a (now ex-) husband who would feed our infant a bottle @ 0200 & then go to bed, closing the door & turning on the window AC unit so that he wouldn't be able to hear the infant crying at 7am when she awakened. Yeah, coming home to a baby who'd been crying for a while is something that gives a body a real warm feeling deep inside...

Bottom line, whenever nursing is belittled by the non-nursing spouse to the other, it is setting up the potential for bad feelings at the very least & divorce at the worst.

Originally posted by eltrip

I have experienced a (now ex-) husband who would feed our infant a bottle @ 0200 & then go to bed, closing the door & turning on the window AC unit so that he wouldn't be able to hear the infant crying at 7am when she awakened. Yeah, coming home to a baby who'd been crying for a while is something that gives a body a real warm feeling deep inside...

What a JERK!!!

I suspect that the divorce rates for nurses are no higher than the divorce rates for physicians, lawyers, police men, fire fighters and other "service" related occupations.

Indeed divorce rates in our country are pretty high regardless of occupation. My wife and I have been together for 23 years now (it has not been easy) but we honored our vows and found a way to stick together in spite of the adversity. It helps that we love each other very much.

-HBS

The only complaint I hear from my husband is that he doesn't like sleeping alone the three nights a week I work. Of course we don't have kids which may make the difference.

Interesting.............I was a nurse when i met my soon to be ex. we married and had 2 sons. I supported him through his masters degree and various other professional qualifications. then I did my degree to become a nurse practitioner............ he sort of supported me (if taking the boys to rugby once a week counts) I qualified 3 yrs ago and left him in october 03. I met my tutor who asked if I was still married...........I said well I've left him now. she said she was not surprised! apparently there is a high rate of failed marriages among NP's! maybe its because of the stess of the course.. dont know. I do know i changed and he didnt.

maybe its the job and maybe its just that we are empowered as nurses and women. we have a reasonable earning power and can support ourselves. we can afford to make choices that would have been unthinkable 40yrs ago. How many times have I had elderly ladies tell me they would have left their husbands had they had the choice?

I wonder if this also applies to the men in nursing? does being a nurse stress a relationship? is it easier if both in the relationship are nurses? is it the job or is it that marriage is no longer the ideal it once was? I do know that walking away from my marriage (and we were married 19yrs) was the hardest thing I have ever done. it took a great deal of courage............it would have been much easier to stay and keep pretending.

just my tuppence worth!

Karen:D

Shame on the man/woman who doesn't understand that after a 12-hour shift you're not in the mood.

Before work I get up and cook man dinner, pack my lunch, get ready for work, work what really is a 13 or more hour shift. At the end of the day LEAVE ME ALONE. That's my time for me.

If the spouse doesn't understand that, then he/she needs to be divorced.

I do try to spend a little quality time in good conversation at dinner and at the end of the day. That's all I have to give.

Still "married" after four years on 12-hour shifts. :)

My friend left her husband about 6 months ago, after being an LPN for a year. I think one of the contributing factors is that she spent her shifts complaining about him to her coworkers and listening to them tell her she should leave him...

Originally posted by karenG

it would have been much easier to stay and keep pretending. Karen:D

I wouldn't call "pretending" a meaningful relationship but at the same time my wife and I have learned to keep expectations realistic. We had to learn quite some time ago that "perfection" does not exist for most couples (if at all). I know my parents divorced after my father returned from Vietnam. I swore that when I got married that I would do my very best to keep my marriage intact.

As I said before I don't think divorce is unusually high in nurses, I believe it is more a reflection of our society.

-HBS

We have a serious problem in this country and that is women have a 2nd shift - housework/childcare - and men don't. The culture teaches us that this is expected but doesn't explain to us how to handle the anger that builds up over the disparity. We both are working, why is only one of us doing all the work at home? I for one, struggle with this all the time. It seems to go in cycles - I get totally fed up and tell him he HAS to do more, he starts doing more, then slacks off slowly until I build up anger again.

A friend who's been a marital therapist for many years said that a large part of her practice was wives who'd done way, way too much for too many years until they reached the volcano of anger stage and then walked away. She said it was never salvagable if they waited that long.

So how can we convince them to do their share??? I don't want to become a volcano.

Originally posted by meredithT

We have a serious problem in this country and that is women have a 2nd shift - housework/childcare - and men don't.

That isn't the culture in my house (my wife wouldn't put up with it). At the same time my wife and I divy up chores based upon skills, time and abilities.

The culture teaches us that this is expected but doesn't explain to us how to handle the anger that builds up over the disparity.

What Culture? Please Explain.

We both are working, why is only one of us doing all the work at home? I for one, struggle with this all the time. It seems to go in cycles - I get totally fed up and tell him he HAS to do more, he starts doing more, then slacks off slowly until I build up anger again.

My wife wouldn't put up with it and she has made that message clear, consistently.

A friend who's been a marital therapist for many years said that a large part of her practice was wives who'd done way, way too much for too many years until they reached the volcano of anger stage and then walked away. She said it was never salvageable if they waited that long.

Does this marital therapist have a successful marriage/relationship?

So how can we convince them to do their share??? I don't want to become a volcano.

So why do we make this a gender issue (them=men)? I don't think women are any better than men with the issues as noted above. I get enough "male bashing" at work secondary to this kind of mentality.

-HBS