I've been out of orientation for two weeks now - on a 42 bed unit tele/med-surg unit with many of the patients being total care. Since the end of my orientation, I have been taking six patients. I have been approached by a nurse that has hinted that I should have been oriented differently - with the suggestion that I should have taken a full load sooner during orientation. At this point, the nurses on our floor take as many as 8 patients. I can easily see how that it would appear that I am not "pulling my own weight", however, I am also aware of my limitations as a new nurse.

I already know I am on my way to burnout. There are probably many things that should have been done in orientation that I didn't know that I didn't know - but what is done is done. At this point, all I can see is everything I have been taught but can't remember, all the time management I don't seem to possess, all the nursing judgement that somehow alludes me and all the fear and phobia when I give report to nurses with more experience and that pound me with questions that I know that I know that I know I should know the answers to, but somehow get scrambled in my brain and on my hurriedly thrown together report sheet... at the end of a long night shift... and then the confrontations come... all the information about the patient I didn't think to obtain - and without fail I drive home in tears, wondering how in the h%# I got here, why did I pursue this in the first place, and how is it that I fell for the cliched propaganda of what nurses supposedly do? In fact, nurses do much, much more - more than I am prepared for, know and can comfortable execute - and that has more to do with me than with my education at this point. However, if I'd known up front what was required - the nuts and bolts - the putting together of the bigger picture, not the idealistic picture of a nurse and the nursing profession, I would have seriously reconsidered and, in fact, may do so even now.

I have heard that life is too short to do something one does not like. It's not that I do not like this work, I enjoy it - but the feeling of being sucked into a vortex every night and feeling undereducated and inept at every hand is beginning to take a toll on me personally to the point I doubt almost every nursing decision I make - leading to a vicious feedback mechanism that is perpetuating my own self doubt.

I do not know if what I am feeling is just being overwhelmed, burned out or what - but I can say that I am losing sleep, depressed, frustrated and hate (yes, hate) going into work knowing I'll get - not condescending - but patronizing treatment. I feel I have placed myself into a hole that I will not be able to get out of.

I want a fulfilling career, a body of knowledge that I can fully possess and utilize with a measure of confidence, but that eludes me even after the challenges of nursing school, taking NCLEX and a 10 week orientation on my first nursing job. Today, I don't feel like this is the career for me, that I do not have the intelligence/confidence to adequately perform such a task.

Thanks for the space to vent and process. My hope is that when I re-read this post in a couple of months, I can look back, grimace and then laugh at my own foibles - and yes - bad attitude that I have on this day.

Take care,

Shawna

Aw thanks Finch!!!

I actually wish I could wiggle my nose and zap myself into an all-knowing well respected RN on the unit, because I am one of those rare birds that actually WANTS to precept!

I'm havin anxiety attacks lately that render me to tears. Tomorrow I'll have my 6th preceptor since starting on the unit 2 weeks ago. I'm so hating the idea of going in. This one I've met already and she barely notices me, let alone gives a smile when I directly speak to her.

What gives??

Sigh. Better head to bed now. 5AM comes really early!

Chloe

Honestly, if I were in that position (and I have been) I would talk to the manager and explain how the persistent change and inconsistencies are too hard on a new grad. How can you possibly learn without structure? Valid research has shown that people learn and absorb far better when not stressed. No reasonable manager would disagree with you.

I'd better get to sleep, too. The darn time change ruined my day.

Hey there,

Not to say you should just bail but...

If there is such a nursing shortage, it seems that you should be able to find a more suitable unit/hospial. I started in an Thoracic/cardiac ICU at a hospital with an awesome orientation program and love it. I applaud you for takinf 6 patinets, even if you feel you can barely manage it. I don't think I could. I am stressed with two. Anywho, my thoughts are look for something more suitng. and if that's not an option, talk to your manager or even HR to see if you can't find a way to feel better adjusted.....

Hope it helps.