I love the place where I work, and I like my patients and the people I work with . . . But . . . I think that they sense that I am a bit weird (lol really). I try to be normal, just like everyone else, but I lack of self esteem so much that I am constantly cutting myself down. I don't really do it on purpose, its just kinda what I always have done. Then I find myself complaining about anything and everything, and if I get very stressed I often accidentally talk in a snippy tone of voice. Like if another staff memeber calls my name, instead of a nice "yeah", it comes out as a very rude sounding "WHAT?" I don't ever mean to be that way but I cant really help it . . . what comes out, comes out. I am still on my 90 day probation and I am paraniod about some one talking to administration or the DON about my "attitude". I really want everyone to like me (I know this sounds juvenile) but I want to be the best I can be, and I don't want to be some where where I am disliked (the place where I work is the only place I can work in this town as a CNA and I love this town) Any advice would be really appriciated.

We all get snippy at times, especially if you're orientating on a rough floor. I know I showed my butt a time or two:D . Just try to be focused on being a good nurse- you're co-workers will respect a good nurse, even if you're not always pleasant. I know that I would rather work with a stick-in-the-mud that did her job, than someone that was really nice but didn't do squat. We have a few of those on our floor, and I hate working with them. Also, try talking to your boss about the things that are stressing you out. If you have a good boss that actually listens, it can help. I thank God for my wonderful boss, because if it wasn't for her, I would have totally left the nursing field. Also, all nurses are weird (including myself). I personally don't know any "normal" nurses. You can't experience the things we experience on our jobs and not come out of it a little "touched," so to speak.

Well thats good to know . . . but are any others weird enough to have purple hair

I'd really encourage you to read this, Mandy.

http://www.trichotillomania.ab.ca/rwpeta/self-esteem.htm

It sounds like most of the issues you talked about come right back to that one thing you mentioned: you think you aren't good enough. That is probably the source of your irritability, your fears about losing your job, your need to be liked (If you like me, then I must be OK), and so on. This online bit of information will get you started on looking inside to see what's really going on in there.

When you finish reading that, you're likely to think "oh, I KNEW there was something WRONG with me." That's when you must start to understand that you are just fine, right now, just the way you are. Learn to accept yourself. Simple words, sure. But, give yourself permission to be just who you are with all your flaws and beauty, even the purple hair. Be good to yourself, dear Mandi. You're far more precious than you know.

Future--I'd suggest some assertiveness training might help. Your school well may offer it.