WhatToDo

So this is just me expressing my feelings and pleading for help. I've been a nurse for almost two years and I am absolutely done. It;s so unbelievable to think that when I was a little girl being a nurse was my dream. I honestly love taking care of others, even at a young age. So when I discovered that I could do it as a career, that was amazing. I worked so hard. We all know how difficult Nursing school is. It is literally one of the most difficult experiences one, a student especially could have. All that hard work I put in with the time I spent in school, studying, the money I payed out of my own pocket, to obtain something I could not imagine would be like this. I should have quit when in Junior year I was so stressed. But I believed people who said it would get easier after graduating. The only reason I kept going was ONLY because I thought that the final result would be worth it. When they say "Not all that glitters is gold," that is my life right now. I always thought that after graduating I would start to live my life. But when I realized that Nursing is the worst decision of my life, of course I struggled. I was so ready to end my life because the stress, Anxiety, crying in my car everyday, leaving work feeling the air outside and thinking I made it out, feeling like I'm in a dungeon for 12 hrs, crying in the bathroom, so much more. I should not have to be on medication for anxiety for a career that I worked for. If you hate a job, at least you didn't put your all into it. Before I graduated I saw posts about people hating nursing and I was so ready to quit but I believed the lies, people saying I'm so far and it's worth it. Those of you who "didn't make it" were saved trust me. I was mentally traumatized, felt like a ghost and started to hate what I thought I loved which is caring for people. I worked on a unit, got so tired of people being mean, rude, not wanting to help so I quit the hospital. I went to a nursing home and quit after a few days. I looked at myself in the mirror and I had become unrecognizable so I said I can't come back. I cried to everyone and anyone that would listen. My life was in shambles all because of this career. I quit and didn't have a job for a while. Went to another hospital on a smaller unit but now they want me to be charge, like why! I was doing fine and trying to take my time finding something else but now I'm stressed out about being charge that I'm crying. There's a reason people quit nursing and go work in restaurants, etc. You think after all that work they want to go back, no. I did not become a nurse to slowly kill myself to care for others. I hate bedside, I've tried other areas but I just don't want to take care of patients anymore. Someone told me that Private Clinic may be better but I don't know. I thought about going to school for nursing informatics but I am not sure at all. After going to school for nursing and hating it more than anything in my life, I'm terrified. I would like to start a business but IDK of what. I just at some point want to leave nursing all together. I am in my mid 20s and I would hate to be doing this bedside job in my mid 30s. This career will have you quit and move to the middle of no where, far from people and the world. So, if anyone could offer advice, I would be extremly extremely grateful. I feel like I'm at square one again, looking for a way to make a descent living. This job taught me money doesn't matter at all, not that I thought it was but still. I feel like I need to leave this current job soon  because they want to force me to be charge. That's not every nurses strong point. But I'll wait atleast a few years. If I stayed there or as a bedside nurse for more than 5 years, I would feel so worthless and like I achieved nothing. It's crazy how I threw away 5 years of my life in school, wasted all that time and money. God please help me