Things Surgeons never say...

To theatre staff

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Please.

Thank-you.

Sorry.

I absolutely insist we break for lunch.

My colleague is much better at doing this operation than I am so I always refer my private patients to him.

The light in here is absolutely wonderful.

My fault entirely, sister. How could you possibly guess which instrument I'd want next?

Frankly, I'm an idiot for ever starting this operation.

My skill levels just can't keep up with new developments.

I apologise. That was a cheap, offensive remark, made to someone in no position to make an appropriate response.

I absolutely refuse to blame my registrar for this cock-up.

I should have retired years ago.

Of course you can't find the x-rays. I had them last.

Oh dear! I've grossly overestimated my own capabilities again.

Sorry I'm early.

I'd be delighted to help you lift the patient.

I'm afraid I ridiculously underestimated how long I'd take to do this operation.

To junior surgical staff.

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I'll still give you a good reference, even if you don't pretend to find everything I do fascinating.

I'm about to tell you my favourite 'funny story" again. You've already heard six times, so please don't feel obliged to laugh.

Of course, in my young days, we had things a lot easier.

To anaesthetists.

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My defence body is thinking of offering me a season ticket.

No, no.1 absolutely insist on going to the coroner's court with you. After all, it was me who insisted on doing the operation.

To Patients.

You don't actually need an operation my dear, but, seeing as you're a private patient, I'll be happy to take your money off you.

Please stop calling me "The man with golden hands". It was a team effort.

Please don't feel that you had to get washed. I like cheese.

While you're signing the consent form for the arterial graft, why not save time and consent to the amputation at the same time.

I don't care if you are a private patient, you're a boring old fart; now get out of my consulting room.

[This message has been edited by bshort (edited December 05, 1999).]