PassionateOne

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coca-Cola was originally green. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It is impossible to lick your elbow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: ALASKA ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The youngest pope was 11 years old. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs - Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? OBSESSION ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? ALL INVENTED BY WOMEN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? HONEY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? FATHER'S DAY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. ~~~~~~~~~~~ AND FINALLY ~~~~~~~~~~~~ At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. Now get back to work and stop playing around :-)

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on............................... At a recent computer expo Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.".................... In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:...................................................... For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day............... 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car................................................................... 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this........ 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine........................................................ 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads...................................................... 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light................................................................. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying............ 8. Occasion! ally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna............ 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.............................................. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off..................

A young girl brings her canary to the Vetanerian, because her dear friend hasn't chirped in a few days. After a few moments, the Vet says to the young lady that the bird has passed. The young lady says, " are you absolutely sure"? Tweety is such a great pal. Everybody loves Tweety. The doctor says, "I'm terribly sorry dear, but unfortunately Tweety is gone"! Remembering conversations that her mom always has between other physicians; the young lady says, "well, I want a second opinion". So immediately the Veterinarian lets out a loud and long whistle. And this gorgeous Golden Labrador Retriever jumps up on the table, and begins to take deep inhalations of Tweety's boy odor for about a minute. Then takes his nose and nudges little Tweety. After a few moments the Lab turns around, jumps on the floor, holding his head down, and whining as he leaves the room. The Vet looks at the young girl, and says "see... I told you, unfortunately, Tweety is gone"! The girl, says "well that's not good enough, I want to make absolutely sure". "I want one more opinion". And with that, the vet says, "here kitty-kitty-kitty", "here kitty-kitty". Seconds later, this fabulous gray Persian cat leaps on the table, and starts licking Tweety's face and belly. Then she begins to gently stroke Tweey's head. After about 15 seconds, the Persian, starts meowing in such an unhappy fashion and leaves the room as well. The Vet looked at the young girl and feeling horrible inside and said, "well dear, I'm terribly sorry. We all concur with my original diagnosis". So the young girl says, "thank you Dr. for trying and I really appreciate your effort. How much do I owe you for your time"? The doctor waits a moment and responds by saying "$350.00'. The young girl says, "that's highway robbery. You want me to pay you $350.00 for a 15 minute diagnosis, and my friend is dead"? The Vet said, "I would've charged you the standard office visit of $15.00 for my original evaluation; but I had to charge you extra for the Lab-Report and Cat-Scan"...

You started the parade! Good One!!!

Half of the jokes I've posted are a reflection of me (men). For the record, I don't believe in bashing... It's not in my (excuse the expression) Blood! :-) Have a great evening, and thanks for the comment in keeping me Politically-balanced... Best Regards,

6. You floss daily. Not to reduce plaque, but to get rid of the styrofoam particles. 7. The sleeping pills in your medicine chest are really "No-Doze". 8. You can't take a good crap on de-caf. 9. Your favorite coffe mug has a gyroscope to reduce the tremors. 10. Your "commuter cup" holds a full gallon and the Arab at 7-11 is a monthly dinner guest!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.

A young girl brings her canary to the Vetanerian, because her dear friend hasn't chirped in a few days. After a few moments, the Vet says to the young lady that the bird has passed. The young lady says, " are you absolutely sure"? Tweety is such a great pal. Everybody loves Tweety. The doctor says, "I'm terribly sorry dear, but unfortunately Tweety is gone"! Remembering conversations that her mom always has between other physicians; the young lady says, "well, I want a second opinion". So immediately the Veterinarian lets out a loud and long whistle. And this gorgeous Golden Labrador Retriever jumps up on the table, and begins to take deep inhalations of Tweety's body odor for about a minute. Then takes his nose and nudges little Tweety. After a few moments the Lab turns around, jumps on the floor, holding his head down, and whining as he leaves the room. The Vet looks at the young girl, and says "see... I told you, unfortunately Tweety is gone"! The girl, says "well that's not good enough, I want to make absolutely sure". "I want one more opinion". And with that, the vet says, "here kitty-kitty-kitty", "here kitty-kitty". Seconds later, this fabulous gray Persian cat leaps on the table, and starts licking Tweety's face and belly. Then she begins to gently stroke Tweey's head. After about 15 seconds, the Persian, starts meowing in such an unhappy fashion and leaves the room as well. The Vet looked at the young girl and feeling horrible inside and said, "well dear, I'm terribly sorry. We all concur with my original diagnosis". So the young girl says, "thank you Dr. for trying and I really appreciate your effort. How much do I owe you for your time"? The doctor waits a moment and responds by saying "$350.00'. The young girl says, "that's highway robbery. You want me to pay you $350.00 for a 15 minute diagnosis, and my friend is dead"? The Vet said, "I would've charged you the standard office visit of $15.00 for my original evaluation; but I had to charge you extra for the Lab-Report and Cat-Scan"...

I was sucked-in Big-Time, guys!!!

DID YOU KNOW? Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Coca-Cola was originally green. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It is impossible to lick your elbow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: ALASKA ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The youngest pope was 11 years old. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs - Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? OBSESSION ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? ALL INVENTED BY WOMEN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? HONEY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? FATHER'S DAY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. ~~~~~~~~~~~ AND FINALLY ~~~~~~~~~~~~ At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. :-)

I also split my appendix in half... God that's some funny stuff... :-) Fred BTW-I'm not into making fun of people. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I think God made us all a lil' humorous to show the lighter side of things. For instance... Rockefeller Skating Rink (in NYC) doesn't ever charge me for ice-skating when I go there. Between the entertainment that spectators get from watching me try to stay on my feet; ANNNNNNNNNND not having to clean the ice after each session... (because I'm constantly falling all the time), They want to pay me for showing up. And I'm a big guy. 6'5, 230 lbs. I've never seen myself on camera, but I would imagine that I'm propably funnier than a 1-arm paper-hanger... :-000 Warm regards, adn God Bless!!!

Fred Dudley's Special Cookie Recipe 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. Enjoysss! Hic!!!

I had skid-marks on my Blood Pressure Test Results! Click or cut and paste the link listed below. ENJOY! http://worldzonepro.com/webdude/kozo.html

YOUR KIDS WILL LOVE THIS... 1. Key into the calculator the first 3 digits of your phone number (not area code). 2. Multiply by 80 3. Add 1 4. Multiply by 250 5. Add last 4 digits of your phone number 6. Add last 4 digits of your phone number again 7. Subtract 250 8. Lastly, divide by 2 Is this your phone number???

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament."Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped,he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. The next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed."You pushed one too many buttons,"replied the nurse." The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your member is under your pillow."