MaineRN14

I know exactly how you feel, OP. My first code happened this week. I've been a nurse for 3 years and am now often charge nurse on a telemetry/progressive care unit. I've called tons of rapid responses, transferred who knows how many pts to ICU who died right when they got there, but I had somehow not been around when a code happened on my unit. This pt was young, but very, very sick. He had end stage liver failure with an INR through the roof, and despite every fall precaution, bed alarm, close to nsg station, you name it - he acutely became very disoriented and jumped out of the bed onto the floor. I helped rush him down to an emergent head CT with the clinical advisor and he coded right on the CT scan table. YIKES. It felt like it was straight out of a TV show. There was definitely the "Oh, S***" moment when we saw the asystole on the monitor and noticed he was unresponsive. And, CT is not the best place for a code... suction wasn't close by, the code cart had to be hunted down... it was initially chaotic but then luckily it became well-run. My role was initially connecting the pt to the defib pads and ensuring the monitor was working right and answering questions since I knew the pt, and then as the code progressed I switched out doing chest compressions. And, because he likely bled out, he did not make it. After the code, adrenaline was high and I felt a little high strung, but I was confident in myself and surprisingly comfortable with the whole situation despite the trauma that led to the pt's death. It was difficult to talk to the pt's family after. It was also a little stressful relaying the event as a newer charge nurse to the nurse manager, but even still, I felt fine, and felt weird that I felt fine. But then... more than 24 hrs after the code, when I had a day off from work, I took a drive and man... I felt weird. Not so much about the pt, but I felt like I was flooded with emotion when I thought about being grateful for having that day and I totally cried. I think some massive reality hit me about mortality in general. And, it didn't help I was wicked over tired, because night shift. I immediately called my whole family to say a quick "Hi," "I love you." But, I still felt weird that it wasn't a reflex, that I kept myself removed from my feelings for that long. Basically, what I'm trying to say, is we never know how we're going to react. It's normal to feel a ton of emotion, and it's also normal to feel little to no emotion, especially in the moment. It sounds like you did a great job, and good luck continuing to work through hard situations