Hey, ya'll. Just need to vent a little, maybe get some advice! So, I graduated this May and started working in August. This is my 11th week working on the unit (It is a CTICU- surgical...we get post op heart transplants/CABGs/AVRs/LVADs/Pneumonectomies etc). I know it is a super super acute unit that even experienced nurses find challenging but I thought since I was in a 24 week orientation/"residency program" I would be set up for success and be able to really learn and hone my skills. WELL...I was wrong! This is so hard. The shift I just came off of I cried 4 different times. And I feel like since next week is my halfway point I should NOT feel like this. I do not see myself being ready to take my own patient assignment in January...if at all, ever. My first (and biggest?) struggle is the IV pumps at this hospital. In school/clinical/as a nurses aid...every hospital used Alaris...the one I work at uses hospira plum pumps (but they are changing to alaris . s december thank you jesus). BUT I NEVER GOT A MODULE OR ANYTHING TO WATCH OR AN INSERVICE ON THESE HOSPIRA PUMPS....so as a new grad in a high acuity icu with patients on multiple vasoactive drips...I'm supposed to just figure these pumps out? Because of this pumps, I accidentally changed my patient's heparin drip dose. My preceptor told me to add 6 hours of time to the pump but I didn't know if you didn't clear the VTBI, it would mess up the dosing...obviously I should have double checked the dose was still correct but I didn't and the nurse that followed us had to correct it (I could have gotten written up for this!!) BUT ALSO- the "residency" program I am has a guideline for the acuity of patient assignments I should be getting with my preceptor and I have been getting WAY more unstable/more complex patients than I should at this point in my opinion and also according to the guidelines. But bc of the high acuity of my unit, there is not always a stable/non complex assignment for me. So after 6 weeks on days with one preceptor, I switched to nights with Preceptor number 2. Also at the 6 week mark, I was supposed to transition to two patients. TWO STABLE NON COMPLEX PATIENTS. aka learn how to get report/assess/chart on/give meds to TWO patients. The FIRST night im on nights, the FIRST night I'm with preceptor #2 (who does things SOOOO differently than preceptor #1 so I was a little out of practice), I get two patients who are both intubated, both on vasoactive drips and both on ENDOTOOL (if youve never had endotool, lucky you! its a system that titrates your insulin drip...aka you are taking BGs every hour) and my unit does midnight labs which I had never done...let alone on two patients. Now I'm almost done with the 6 weeks on nights, but I feel like I never got a chance to have one complex patient and really focus on them. My assignment last night was two patients. 1. POD 17 LVAD implant and POD 9 bowel resection, intubated, on nitric, on epi drip, on ENDOTOOL,ostomy bag, NG tube to suction, foley that needed to be changed and urine cultures taken, had to do the LVAD dressing change which is sterile, on a heparin drip so needs q6 PTT levels and titrate that per protocol, and antibiotics q4. oh and his K was 3.4 needed to be replaced and his Mag 1.9 needed to be replaced. Probably more that I am forgetting. He also had a pleural effusion that they would not tap d/t INR levels Then pt #2 was POD 1 CABGx3, AVR (mosiac), and OM endardectomy.Intubated. He had to bounce back to the OR bc of bleeding in L chest tube. They threw in another stitch in the OM. His pressure was extremely labile and sensitive to the vasoactive/inotropes. He had an echo and was hyperdynamic so I weaned off epi and started neo. Titrated the neo all night from 10-80 mcg/min. His pressures would drop when turned/bathed. Chest tube output was ok. Gave 500 albumin, gave methlyne blue, he was on precedex. CI was good but dropped at one pointto 1.8 and the NP saw and was like why is his CI 1.8 we need to pace him at 90 but he came back up on his own to like 3.2 without pacing him. I just don't think I was ready for that assignment and preceptor #2 took PTO this week so I was with another nurse who has a lot of experience and shes actually usually charge but she was sitting at the nurses station eating oatmeal with whole night talking to other nurses. She kept telling me I was doing so good and working so hard but I felt like I was DROWNING the whole time. I cried 4 times!!!! At one point I couldnt even get my pump to go on standby mode bc I didnt know you had to have some VTBI for it to be on standby. Ugh!!! Am I in over my head? Should I have taken a position on a med surg unit??