new grad SOS!

My orientation was 90 days. Only a few weeks were with a nurse. The rest of the time I have been operating as a regular Staff Nurse except that I don't feel I should have been. When I asked for supervision I was told there was no staff to spare, that trial by fire is the only way to learn, that I should already know how to be independent when I hit the floor, and to suck it up and stop complaining, so the patient loads just kept on coming.

Now that the 90 days is up, my check sheet of core competencies is blank because I've been running around alone doing what I hope is good patient care and getting yelled at the times I made a bad call. I don't know if they are right or if I am letting someone make me feel incompetent.

I finally got to the point where I was sick and tired of being rolled over and told I needed to ask more questions and learn time management, when I've spent the last 3 months chasing after other RN's to NOT get help and stay 2 hours late to finish.

So I requested a transfer off of Medsurg. I got the avoidance dance until I had to basically force it through administration myself. I was afraid if I left my first job claiming a lack of support that it would make ME look bad.

Now that I have rocked the boat, I am getting called at home and asked to come in for a 90 day eval before I transfer. I am afraid they will rip me to shreds for drawing attention to their training deficiencies and eat their young mentality and that it will follow me if I try to transfer.

I don't think I can use this floor as a reference if I leave, so now I feel stuck.

Anyone have any ideas? I never new nursing was so brutal.