It just hit me.

Tonight, I started going through my binder of self-study chemotherapy training. In a matter of months, I will be certified and administering chemo on my own. I will be helping to arrange for hospice care after the decision has been made to discontinue treatment. I will get to know patients and then watch some of them slowly deteriorate. These patients will not be alone - there will be family members to educate and comfort as well. The stages of grief will be starring in a traveling circus of admissions and discharges.

Of course, there will be happy times. Sometimes. There will be days when it is worth it, and days when I will feel my heart burst with joy for a patient's successful outcome.

I think it's because I just realized how much I don't know. I know realistically that I will be ok, that I will grow and learn and improve. I know that these are normal feelings for a new grad.

But right now, I'm scared. Excited, hopeful, and proud. But still...very scared.