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Discussion

I am ashamed for them

Dear family of dying man...I am ashamed for you. You spent hours crammed into his hospital room bickering over his head. You argued and yelled amongst yourselves while your beloved lay in a coma dying. I am ashamed for you. I tried to be understanding and defuse situations because I know what a trying and emotionally charged time it is to watch a beloved family member fade away. Instead of taking the time to let your beloved know how much he meant to you, you escalated situations and took the opportunity of ingathering to pick fights with other family members. I am ashamed for you. Your yelling and bickering escalated to a full-on fistfight and stomp fest brawl in the hallways of the hospital. I am ashamed for you. You did not think of your beloved who deserved to have peace and comfort in his last days, the other hospital patients who deserved to have peace and comfort for their own healing or even the hospital workers and visitors who deserved to not be subjected to your family's airing of dirty laundry and obvious contempt for each other. I am ashamed for you. I pray that you do not live your life like this on the daily, but fear that you do. I realize that you feel no shame for your actions, as I heard (I do hear almost everything in my patient's room) you gloating with each other about how you kicked your uncle while he was held down. Your yelling and slamming doors when arrests were made was another shameful act, but I realize that you do not feel this shame...so I am ashamed for you. I am a nurse, healer and empathic soul so I choose to take some difficult emotions and share them so I may relieve some burden of my patients who are unable to deal with the emotions themselves. I cry with grieving widows. I empathize over needle sticks. I hold the hands of terrified patients in crisis. I feel your shame. I am ashamed for you.

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    • Experts

    If your account of the situation is accurate, I totally agree that the family of the dying patient was behaving in a shameful manner. However, they seemed to have absolutely no shame in their games.

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    I am guilty of an argument with a family member while my husband was on life support. It was a horrible gut wrenching time and I lost it when he said something to me. My husband was brain dead at the time and I was getting set to sign him off of it. The family member said something derogatory to me and I just lost it. As we were yelling, I saw my husband go into a major seizure. The nurse came running in and diffused the situation. I had the horrible feeling that even though he was brain dead he knew, he heard and it affected him. I went out into the hall and started crying and the nurse calmed me down, I felt so terrible that the argument occurred. It never happened again.. Sometimes these issues happen because of the sheer emotional torture going on inside us. I am glad it only happened once in my situation.

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    • Guides

    My daughter, a hospital chaplain, went into a room during her residency where the family was arguing and getting loud and vehement over mom, who was comatose, and there was disagreement over discontinuing care. Nursing supervisor was there, lots of everyone, when dd walked in. She said she channeled me (!), and the word "ENOUGH" came barreling out. Everyone stopped, looked at her in a bit of shock, and she lit into them with mom is dying, doesn't need this to be her last experience with any of them, and basically to knock it off. Then, (knowing their religion from having been in there before), launched into a set prayer of theirs. They joined in, and that was that.

    She thought she was going to be reprimanded for "losing it", but instead the supervisor thanked her, the nurses thanked her, and her mentor said it was one of the best interventions dd had done.

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    Death and dying brings out the worst and best in families. Grief is so unique and it is such a deep process that I never think twice about how any family behaves or acts. I too have seen many fierce arguments, physical fights, times when even security had to call outside law enforcement. I have seen those family members who have never been around until the person is dying. They come in and want to absolve their guilt by taking it out on the staff and the person who did stay and help "mom" or "dad" the most.

    I have seen the tender families too. The ones who gently stroke the loved ones cheek and you hear the deep and almost silent sobs as tears quietly roll down their cheek. I have seen children, parents, spouses climb into the bed to hold and lay beside the loved one while they were dying. I have sat and held the person's hand myself and wept when the patient had no family and I didn't want them to die "alone". That last journey from the living to the other side brings out the deepest parts of humanity from everyone.

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