Hold my hand

I'm sorry this happened to your little patient and that you're struggling with it. Those of us who look after children feel the same way when our efforts fail. It's really hard to wrap one's head around a child's death, even when you see it coming; what you're feeling is very normal. In fact. I'm feeling a little of the same today... a 6 month old that I spent 12 hours on Monday trying to keep alive passed away yesterday. I know how you're feeling.

Every health care professional knows the outcomes for out-of-hospital cardiac arrests... they're invariably bad. Even when circulation is restored and the patient makes it to the hospital, the damage to their brain and organs is usually so severe that death would have been kinder. Everybody goes the extra mile when it's a child, because they're innocent, just starting out in life and because they're so much more resilient than adults. And sometimes that's a great thing. Then there are the times when it's not so good. Truly there are worse fates than death. If your patient was indeed down for a while before Mom found him, it would have been far worse for him to successfully resuscitated. As hard as that is to accept, it's true.

When you have children of your own, it's very easy to put yourself in the Mom's shoes and feel greatly distressed. It's too horrible to imagine that same thing happening to your own child but your mind will keep going back to it and back to it. Coming here and letting it all out is a good thing. Talking about it with someone who understands helps. I hope you feel supported and that your heart heals. Hugs to you.