Cancelled Again!!!!

For the past 8 years I have worked thru a registry as an RN. I was a single mom of an adolescent and usually worked 8 hour shifts during week days. I would go wherever they needed me, ICU, CCU, Med/Surg, newborn nursery, ER, OR, psych, rehab. I tell ya I have been EVERYWHERE baby!

I have never considered working as a staff nurse at any facility I ever went to largely because of the input from staffers who HATED the lousy pay, crappy hours, working every other week end, being cajoled into working doubles or coming in on their days off, never having a voice when dealing with administrators and seeing foreign born nurses coming in if they threatened to walk.

Working registry has many perks, among them is better pay ( I average about 35 $ per hour with time and a half after 8 ) flexibilty (no week ends!!!) and the opportunity to work in such a large choice of environments.

Since I remarried 3 years ago I have reduced my weekly shifts so I could be free to travel with my husband and be available for the numerous home improvement items that have popped up now that there is a man in the house! I am financially comfortable and if I was careful I would rarely, if not ever have to work again.

I used to LOVE being an RN. Many was the afternoon that I would literally dance out the door of a hospital with a song in my heart and a smile on my face, truly believing that I had made a positive difference in a patients or family members life with action, kindness, humor and compassion. Rare was the cranky or disgruntled patient that I could not eventually calm and charm by pulling up a chair at their bedside and holding their hand, even just quietly listening to their concerns. Supervisors, Charge Nurses, CNA's LOVED me!

I thought I made a great impression on everyone, the negative was ignored. I was the first to jump out of the nursing station to help move a patient into bed, out of the bathroom, start a tricky IV, run to the lab for blood, dash to the cafeteria for group lunch orders, co sign an order, I really thought I walked on water! Nearly busted my arm patting myself on the back.

I know I have been a positive example of nursing to my commrades, and went out of my way to support and encourage students when I was fortunate to work along side of them. I always received a lot of positive VERBAL feedback from staffers, Charges, Administration, Physicians, patients, students.

Last September, after accepting a per diem (in house registry) with a local Orange County facility, I was quite unexpectedly CANNED! It came to light that my large mouth had a lot to do with it (they began to eliminate our CNA's when the staffing ratios went into effect and encouraged or coerced, depending on who you heard it from, our CNA's to sign letters of resignation in exchange for a letter of reference). I became very vocal about this, emailed administration, educated the CNA's about unfair labor laws, etc.

One day after my shift was over I was summoned to HR and CANNED! Well!

I guess I got knocked off my pedestal didn't I ??? Since then I have remained with my original registry and am cancelled more often then not. I guess it's my own fault since I have become very jaded about nursing as a profession.

I often feel vulnerable, powerless and less than optimistic about marching back onto a unit and it's getting to be more difficult to muster up my sunny disposition, to find my sense of humor again, in fact I find myself grumbling and frowning as I walk out of a room, wondering "what the hell am I doing here?" Lately, nursing seems to be bringing out the worst in me, I toss and turn at night before a shift, I have nightmares and really feel tired and burnt out by this "calling".

Don't we divorce our partners, break up with our boyfriends/girlfriends for this very same reason. Is it time for me to "divorce " my RN?? Is there an alternative to bedside nursing that would be a good fit for someone with my unique qualifications? Can I abandon an industry that gave so much to me when I needed it the most? Would it break my parents hearts knowing how proud they are of my accomplishments?

Have I, in fact, had my future for career happiness CANCELLED ???