Application Essay critique...

your "hook" is non-traditional, so it is weak. it does not grab the reader because it does not immediately address the given question. the modern alternative styles for structuring an essay, like the one you have chosen, are the darling of english teachers and romance readers, but let's face it, they will not impress the audience you are writing for.

honestly, i lost interest in your little story long before you even began to turn the essay toward the question at hand. i have no idea of whether you ever did successfully answer it, and don't think the people who will be reading your essay will, either. i am expecting that they will be direct thinkers, with a stated goal and deliberate intent. alternative styles in essay writing that thwart their intent will be seen as an annoyance, rather than as "clever".

you need to go back to a more traditional style to appeal to a more traditional audience.use the first paragraph to acknowledge the question, the following paragraph to announce how you will address it, and the successive paragraphs to answer it. close with a short summarization indicating how you met the requirement.

don't "dazzle" them. just answer the question honestly and succinctly.

It's written very well. although I don't like cliche stories that answer the why do you want to be a nurse question, this essay prompts that response and you responded very well. The essay progresses logically and is very easy to read. One of the better enterance essays I have seen on here.

Thank you both for your responses. I have made some changes to try to tone it down a little and not appear too contrived. I was making no attempt to be clever with my writing but this is my writing style so it just happened that way. In all my undergrad courses this form of writing has been widely accepted and appreciated but I understand that my target audience is a bit different here. I hope that I am more to the point in this revision and less cliche. I would love to hear more from you all on ideas of what to add or take away. I realize this may be a little long (694 words) but the assignment is to respond in 750 words or less the topic "Describe personal qualities or life experiences that will enhance your effectiveness as a healthcare provider."

Thanks!

An individuals experience can be related to both positive and negative events which have shaped their character, their passions and often their career goals. Although I didn’t always recognize it my own life experiences have shaped not only who I am, but who I want to become. As an adult I knew my experiences would provide a strong foundation for a meaningful career.

When I gave birth to my first son I was blessed with the patience of a young nurse named Joni. I often joke that you could spot her in the crowd from the marks still on her hand; I squeezed it so hard during the birth of my first son that I’m sure she went straight to physical therapy from my hospital room. She never said a word if it wasn’t to comfort or motivate me. She single handedly made me feel I could survive what in that moment seemed un-survivable. For the very first time I realized the vital role of a nurse to a patient.

Five years later I was walking into an ICU room after my best friend Laura was in a tragic automobile accident. As I entered a nurse stopped me and explained how Laura would look, the extent of her injuries and how the sight may affect me. Had she not prepared me for that moment I probably would have collapsed at the sight. For weeks I sat by Laura’s bedside waiting for her to wake up. She suffered a traumatic brain injury and the prognosis was not good. Each day her nurses kept me up to date on her progress or lack thereof. They were always there to listen when I would recall a special memory or to learn more about their silent patient. I must have repeated the same stories a hundred times but they never seemed to mind. And when I mentioned that she would be horrified at the sight of her nails that nurse brought in a nail file and clear nail polish so I could give her a manicure in case she woke up. In that moment I realized for the first time the vital role of a nurse not only to a patient but to the patients’ family and friends.

If not for modern medicine I and countless others would not be blessed with kids. Anyone who has undergone treatments such as In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) or IVF/ICSI understands it is an emotional and humbling experience. During my “cycles” the alarm would ring and I would dread seeing 3:30 AM, knowing it was time to for my day to start with a 3 hour drive for blood work. The nurses were there to welcome me bright and early every morning and if not for their humor and wit it would be a hard way to start to the day. The nurses always called me to tell me the results of my treatments; “I’m so sorry” or “Congratulations mom!” In those moments I realized the compassion of a nurse had the ability to make or break the most stressful of events.

I began to silently explore my life’s experiences and how key moments have shaped me. I took a hard look at what motivated me and how I had grown over the years. I wanted to be a difference maker, to be challenged and to be inspired. I want to have my hand squeezed by a young mother having her first child; I want to learn about the silent patient I care for while making the painful journey of a best friend or family a little less heavy; I want to provide not only medical care but also hope to those who are too ill or weak to hope themselves. My experiences have given me a particular interest in advocating for patients right to dignity and quality of life at every stage of their care. These experiences have rewarded me with compassion and empathy and now I seek the accompanying quality education that will enable me to be not only a empathetic nurse but a skilled one as well.