This is my nursing essay for application. Please read and give feedback if possible

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I was born in San Diego, CA and shortly moved to Kansas City, MO where I have spent the majority of my life. I was 18 months old when I was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (JRA). Throughout my whole life I have been in and out of doctor offices for my condition for check-ups. In high school I was dedicated to my cross country and track team, I did not want to let my condition prevent me from doing what I enjoyed doing. My senior year of high school I was accepted to Missouri Western State University to start my journey of becoming a nurse. Ever since I was a young girl I always wanted to become a nurse, a "baby nurse" as I used to call it. There have been elements in my life that have made me want to continue the path that I have chosen.

My grandfather passed away from complications of dementia. When he was in the hospital I decided to drive to South Dakota so I can see him one last time. As I was there I would watch the nurses and see how they treat the patients. They decided to move my grandfather to a different room; as the rest of my family went ahead, I decided to stay behind and be next to him as they moved him. As they were moving the bed that he was sleeping in they kept bumping him into the wall; I thought to myself, how come they are not more careful and respectful of him? As a nurse I know that I will be respect all patients the same and make sure that I am doing the best I can to make sure they are getting the best care I can give.

The day after my nephew was born they had to admit him into the neonatal intensive care unit because he had jaundice. A few days later they found that he had Group B Strep and it had caused him neonatal meningitis. The thought of him not surviving frightened me and my family. Thankfully, two weeks later they cleared him to go home. The nurses and staff in the NICU were fabulous; I got to witness my nephew receiving excellent care and they were there for my sister in any way possible to support her during that critical time. After seeing the treatment my nephew received and support for my sister from the staff it made me more determined to strive to my ultimate goal of becoming a nurse.

I want to be a nurse to be able to help families and loved ones in their time of need. I want to take care of people and have them know that I will do anything in my power to give them the best care that I can give. That includes make sure that all the patients are being monitored closely and give them any medical assistance at any point and time. As well as being there for emotional support for the patients and their families. I know from being in hospitals for loved ones that the nurses are around the patients for a longer duration so having a connection with the family is important so they can trust you and hopefully can feel a little more at ease. I want to be able to help people just how my family has been helped, received excellent care and be able to be there to make sure that they are getting the care that they deserve. I also want to be a nurse because I find the human body fascinating. I already know information about the body but I would love to further my knowledge about how the body survives and functions on a daily basis. I am interested about how different body parts can interact with each other in order to function correctly, how medications work inside the body to fix a problem or fight an infection or even to stop pain. I chose the nursing program at your university because I started my college career at Missouri Western State University and I would love to finish my college career with a BSN from MWSU. I have heard many good things about your nursing program from previous nursing students. The environment that I have witnessed as I walk through your Nursing Department seems like it is a family and everyone seems to get along. I would love to be a part of the environment I have experienced there just from walking through the department. If I got the opportunity to be a part of this nursing program I would make the most of it. Thank you for taking the time for reviewing my application and I hope to hear from you soon.

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I think that this is definitely a good starting point, but you are doing a lot of "telling" and not enough "showing". Show the events that made you want to become a nurse, get descriptive. Remember that they read like 8 bajillion essays and you don't want to be the 50th person that starts their essay with "i am so and so and I'm this old (young), and I want to be a nurse because...." If you can give examples and really demonstrate your interest in nursing versus describing it, you're going to have an essay that stands out miles from the rest of the crowd... no matter what your other admit requirements look like. Good luck!

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I agree with the post above, also check your spelling and grammar, very important...

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I agree with the above posts. There are also little changes you could make (words to add, or words to omit) that will make this sound much more professional, and put together. For example, instead of "Throughout my whole life I have been in and out of doctor offices for my condition for checkups," If you choose to include this information, perhaps it should read, "Throughout my life I have been to treatment in many doctors' offices." or, "Because of my condition I have been for treatment in many doctors' offices throughout my life."

Best of Luck

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Hi, and welcome to AllNurses! :)

I just wanted to jump in, and offer you a very good piece of advice: delete this thread.

Why? Because you have posted SO MUCH personal information, it wouldn't take more than a few minutes (if I was so inclined) to find out exactly who you are. And that is NOT what you want known on an 'anonymous' message board.

School administrators, hospital employers, HR everywhere uses online searches to find out more about their applicant/candidate. I recently read, in fact, that 90% of employers do these searches, and a full 50% have eliminated applicants because of what they found.

Be careful. You have a long road ahead of you, and the last thing you need is to be written off before you even start!

Good luck :)

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Thats really good, I would give it 8 out of 10 ...

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