Satisfied!

[Alloush, BSN, MSN]

Salam

May 2 2008 ... Oncology/Pediatrics inpatient (during my internship for my leadership clinical course!

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The day duty started as any other duty

the routinely round was done ... at the last room she was there

sitting in her bed ... looking at her is enough to notice that she is suffering

maybe she wasnt in pain .. maybe she wasnt thinking about the suffering issue

but her tracheastomy ... her alopecia ... her week eyes ... her unhealthy teeth ... her gastrostomy ... are more than enough to express suffering

2 days later ... i was assigned to take care of her again

she was still in the same room ... in the same condition

she remembered me ... and the new day duty started

@ 9 am .. while i was administering her medications ..

at the beginning she refused to take her medications ... so some time was needed to be spent in the room

after a short disscussion abt the importance of the meds. she agreed to swallow them

but she was crying ... so swallowing dissolved meds in D5 water is really hard

she swallowed the meds ... then after a minute she vomited

i was trying to clean her clothes and her bed ... then i noticed that she is staring at me ... i asked her what is going with her .. she said nothing

i asked ... did u feel sad because i asked u to take ur meds and u vomited

she kept staring ... and then suddenly .. she said "i love you"

i smiled ... i said i love u too

she spent the last 2 months of her 7 years suffering of rhabdomayosarcoma in her esophagus

u cant talk to her and not love her, eventhough she nags, she resists

she make u spend more time with her to take her meds and recieve her treatment

but still .. who cant love an angel ? who cant feel with her ? or at least show her that u r feeling with her

when u r looking at her amazing tired eyes ... hearing her suffering voice

seeing her childhood burried under 5cm of tumor cells

listening to her honesty ... u cant fake ur feelings

u cant show her that u care ...

ur heart will feel the pain .. will feel that burn

at the end of the duty ... my legs took me to her room

i stood beside her bed .. she was fighting with her mom to get her ventolin

when i entered the room , her mom asked me to give her the ventolin even if she doesnt want it

i talked to her ... asked her to take the ventolin ... and she agreed

i stood there talking to her mom ... then she told me "give me ur hand"

i extended my hand .. she carried it between her two small palms ... pressed on it with her small fingers

as if i knew her for ages .. as if i spent the 7 years with her .. shared her sorrows and happiness

then she put my hand on her cheek ... and closed her eyes

at that moment ... i felt magic .. i felt disconnected from this world

i felt as if i am in another world .. floating over the winds

u took my hand .. i wish i can take ur suffering, i wish i can take ur pain

i even wish i can take ur tumor ... ur stage 3 tumor

u touched my hand ... crossed my heart

u wrote ur name inside every chamber ... on every vein

i want to see u growing... i want ur pain to disappear

only if i can do something about it .. i am ready to take the risk

i am ready to sacrifice .. i am ready to pay my soul for u

only if i can ...

i want to see u happy ... spending ur childhood as any other kid

sweatheart ... i am sorry .. i cant do much to help you .. but i promise u

i will improve my knowledge and my skills to ease this hard journey for u and for every child i take care of

i will never forget you ... i cant forget u

i left her room, unable to think .. unable to talk

But Satisfied!