StillWaiting115

Hello, everyone. I made a thread entitled Has anyone else been in this situation? on this site a few months ago about my situation I'm not sure if having barely six months of experience still makes me a new grad RN, but I've come to the decision that floor nursing is not suitable for me. I admire those who do floor nursing and can balance it with ease and especially if they have a family, but I've done a lot of self-reflection, reading, and soul-searching and I don't think I can do the things that floor nurses are expected to do. It is not just the new grad nervousness that usually wears off once the 1-2 year mark comes, it has to do with my own personality (INFP/ISFP). I got into nursing originally because I was a CNA before at a skilled nursing facility. I loved taking care of the residents there - seeing the same people each day, learning what they like, knowing their stories and taking care of them, I feel like they were like a distant family. No matter how tired I was, or how badly the soles of my feet felt when I went home, the pride and satisfaction of my job burned more and I was able to keep going. But once I became a floor nurse, I realized that I don't have that time to do those things anymore, and what more is that I have low tolerance for very stressful situations that involve multitasking. It's not the time management or really the organization that I lack, it's just that taking a team of 6-7 patients drains everything out of me, and on my days off, I can't even fully relax without dreading about what I'll see in my next shift. I have found and even some of my preceptors have told me that the more stressful I feel, the more they see me become 'robotic' and mechanical in my tasks. If I work the next day/night, and I wake up 6 hours before, I can not go back to sleep. My appetite gets low, the closer I am to the day/night that I work. I've also noticed that the stress and responsibility of this job has affected me emotionally and psychologically. I have pessimistic and even cynical pattern of thinking, I feel extremely anxious, and I always feel on edge until my last shift ends and then it's a few days off and then the cycle repeats. If you read my other post, you'll get the backstory of what's been happening. I've spent time mostly in Medsurg and Cardiac units, and recently I told my managers that I don't feel floor nursing is right for me. I barely feel like I know the people I look after, I'm in charge of almost all the aspects of their care, I have to keep their family happy, and I'm still expected to gets things done on time and have a lunch break. They said that they recommended different settings, like a clinic or OR, but so far, no positions are open for people with less than a year of experience. I realize that this may seem like I'm going backwards, from RN to Occupational Therapy Assistant, but I feel like this is more to how much I can handle. I've had the chance to shadow a PT/OT before, and I like what they do, especially the part with working one to one with people at a time. I've found that as a person, I do significantly better with working one on one. I'm hoping for some feedback and some advice, if possible. Thank you.

I was not ashamed to go into m/s, I was disappointed in myself for not being able to be successful as a new grad on it after orientation. The combination of fast pace, patient acuity, and team size raised some concerns from management and they recommended I transfer. My higher ups felt that all of that was 'too much' for a new grad and they suggested I transfer to another floor with more stable patients. For someone who is still learning the current hospital's p&p, I don't think it's a wise idea to try to be 'creative' with it, especially when you're carrying the responsibility of someone's life. Perhaps we have different definitions of creativity. To me, creativity is freedom. Think of designing a presentation, painting a picture, or even writing an essay. There's a freedom in that that you can't bring into bedside care without either going against best practice, patient safety, or p&p. For someone who's grown up drawing and writing, it feels stifling that I can't do this for a living. And on my few days off, I'm still recovering from a hard shift to even get that spark.

VaccineQueen, how did you get a job like that? Did it require at least 1-2 years of acute care exp? It sounds nice to be able to utilize your creativity like that in projects.

Well, the theoretical part of psychology fascinates me. I wanted to take psychology as an elective in high school, when I found out that it was offered, but I was persuaded to choose accounting instead (one of my parents is an accountant and again, with the reality of job availability). When I got to college, I was elated to find that psychology was a pre-req for my nursing program, because I always felt like I missed an opportunity for taking psych. I wanted to go for a psych degree in college, but I was told that it's difficult to find a job unless you have a master's. Also, in the area I used to live, our community was small, so that makes it even more difficult to find a psych job, especially with no experience. I don't want to give too much personal information, but, growing up, I've also lived with emotional/verbal abuse. I know that's why I have confidence issues (my instructors/preceptors have pointed it out and I'm doing my best to fix this, but it's hard because this is so innate because it happened during the critical period of my childhood). Because I have to live with that, whenever I hear people place less important on mental health aspect of a person or how society tries to sweep people with mental health problems 'under the rug', or general ignorance about people who are suicidal and depressed (don't get me started on how 'suicide is selfish'), I get very defensive about those issues. I don't know if that's any indicator that psych is my calling though... theory vs practice is different. In practice, you are in a potentially dangerous position with a patient who is suffering an episode (I don't like calling people 'crazy') and just because they can't help it, doesn't put you at any less chance for physical harm. I can handle words, it's just the physical part that scares me. I'm rather short and not bulky at all. I can put myself close to the door, but I may not be quick enough. But I know that psych is not all about violent patients. I really do believe that society has more potential to hurt these people than the reverse. I liked my psych rotation and clinical...but like I said earlier... theory vs practice.

I'm just so lost on what I should do for the future of my career... I'm going to be brutally honest: nursing/caring for people I don't know is not my passion. My passion lies in the creative field (design, acting, writing, art). But, I was brought up by my parents to be first and foremost pragmatic and realistic, so I went into nursing for the security mostly, and to be honest, I was so introverted growing up that I didn't make a lot of meaningful friendships that could've opened up paths into other fields. All I believed were those things like (starving artist, not having any clients to support a living doing what you love, etc) that I was too scared to try anything that may not have a demand in the future. I admire people who had the courage to pursue their passion, but I know I wouldn't be able to sleep or eat if I didn't have a way to support myself. I don't want to rely on my parents, they've done enough raising me and I don't want to burden them when I feel like I should have the means to support myself and give back to them for bringing me up. I just don't know if I made the right choice to become a nurse, but I'm at this point where I somehow ended up farther that I originally expected for myself (somehow survived nursing school, passed boards on first try, successfully landed first job in acute care), and now almost 5 months in, I'm mostly unhappy and I can't tell what it is precisely that I'm struggling with. But in those few months, I've learned some things about myself: I prefer patients to be medically stable. The stabler they are, the less stressful it is. I was transferred to a short term rehab inpatient unit and for the first time since I started working as a new grad, I didn't feel like I had no appetite and anxiety 1 day before coming to work, like I did when I was working on a medsurg floor before I was told to transfer to a unit with 'less patient acuity'. I was busy, which I loved, but not so busy as you would expect on a typical floor, which was where I started out. I prefer to take care of my patients for more than 3-5 days. I want to get to know my patients, and unlike those nurses (kudos if this is you) who don't mind walking into a shift with different teams than they had two days ago, I feel very uncomfortable not knowing what to expect or what is normal with a particular patient (their 'trend'). Also, as a person, the longer I know someone, the friendlier I am and easier it is for me to interact with them. That's not to say that I'm not 'friendly' - I'm just very introverted and quiet, and no, I can mask it, but I can't change who I am. I feel more confident with less patient sizes, but what I've found is that taking a team of 6-7 who are just really there for therapy and ready to go home is vastly different from taking a team of 5-6 who have acute issues going on and need frequent monitoring and attention. For my personality, something that cannot be changed, the latter is much more stressful and the exhaustion I feel bleeds into my life away from work. It's affected my appetite, my sense of humor, my personality, and to make matters more complicated, I already have a general pessimistic outlook on life. On the other side, I do not want to work in a facility with a patient load of 20+, no matter how long they will stay there. After I was told to transfer from a medsurg unit to a place with more stable patients, I was in shock and ashamed. Then I found out that the place I'm transferred to has several rns who also came from medsurg in the past, and needless to say, we bonded a lot over that. Due to my exp in my previous unit, I was able to pretty much start working on my own, even though technically they were 'orienting' me. They were pretty impressed by this. Tragically, due to business reasons, my new unit was to be closed. Even though the time I spent was short there, I genuinely liked how my patients didn't need tele or had any 'acute' problems that needed to be treated. I don't know if that is my niche, but I do know that I liked that level of care. I was involved in patient care, but not too involved. It's like the goldilock's zone, if you get what I mean. So I was put again on a new unit and this time, it is again like how I started out, only more or less acute, and not anywhere close to being stable enough that patients don't need tele. The admin on the new unit is aware of my history, but in case I'm looking to transfer to another unit like the one I had before, there's no other unit like it. Now all of that is going towards community/outpatient basis, even though the nurses on my old unit felt that those patients were not stable enough to be outside of a hospital, but not unstable enough that they need a bed on the floor. Thanks for reading this, if you got this far. I apologize if I sound whiny, I'm really not trying to be. But I guess I'm looking for input/advice on what I should do. With less than a year of exp, I honestly don't know where to go or what kind of future job is right for me. I don't want a management position - I'm far from a leader. I also don't really want to go back to get more schooling, since like I said before, it's a miracle (to me) that I was able to grit my teeth and get through nursing school when it's not a field that I was born feeling passionate about.