Sydneycc

My mother died the end of May. Two of my 4 siblings had not spoken to her in several months. She had repeatedly tried to reconcile, with no result. I spoke with her on Sunday and she was very depressed. My oldest sibling has MS and had come to visit. However, he "self medicates" and his sleep pattern is off. Mother said that she was sitting alone in front of the TV and he was in the guest bedroom in bed with that TV on. Then she said that she was still wondering why my siblings were still not speaking to her. I was leaving the next day to see her, however she was admitted to the hospital with Pancreatitus that next morning and I was not able to get to her until Tuesday night. I had already been asked to give permission as MPA to place her on a ventilator earlier prior to my arrival late Tuesday evening Multiple organ failure, internal bleeding and a high fever were all present Thursday morning. They were forcing fluids but her kidneys were not responding. I made the decision to take her off of life support Thursday morning. One of my siblings that had not spoken to her arrived as did my brother with MS and three nieces. I allowed them to have private time with her before the nurse came in to turn the respirator off. I was the closest to her and had been able to communicate with her through asking her to squeeze my hand if she loved me, and twice she did! At the end, I had my forhead on hers and just kept talking to her. Everyone else was holding her hands. After the nurse called the TOD, I straightened up and there was one tear coming from her left eye where I was standing. Dealing with how fast things went and wondering if I made the right decision has been bothering me. I wasn't sure if the tear was a non voluntary response or an emotional one. She had been able to hear (hopefully) some apologies from her family. I am not sure if she was aware at that time or not. I have wondered if she was relieved that each of them had said they were sorry or she was sad that she was being taken off of life support. We are not sure if she had any awareness at that time or not. As they were turning off the respirator, the nurse said "she is actively dying on her own". This did and does relieve some of my guilt, but I will never know if that was just something Intensive Care nurses say to help families deal with that kind of situation. I guess "the tear" will always be there for me, I will never know why it appeared...