NerdyNightOwlRN

I need help. I have been seeking advice from people I know, and now I want to get some opinions in a completely anonymous way from people who know the nursing field: you guys! So here we go... I take my job very seriously and very personally. My career is extremely important to me and has been one of my top priorities for years. I have worked very hard to learn more and be the best I can be. I've worked for 5 years in the same specialty and had started to dabble in related areas as I explored what I wanted to do next. I thought I had it all, that I had reached my dream and was excited to continue learning and growing as a nurse and was considering going back to school for MSN or DNP soon. Things have recently started to unravel. 4 months ago, I started a new job in a related but different specialty than the one I've spent the past 5 years in. I remember on my first day there feeling that I had made a mistake. Though similar, this place was a far cry from my dear original job in ways that I both expected and completely did not expect. But I was committed to remaining positive, seeing this as a new challenge. Orientation started off well, which really helped things. My confidence soared. I knew that, as a nurse of 5 years, I was operating at a level exactly where I should be. My unique and varied past experiences were building on to my new skills and I thought I made a good decision. Things went downhill about halfway through my orientation, after dealing with some difficult and unfamiliar patient situations and some..."strong personalities" in a few of my coworkers. In the span of a few weeks, I was quickly beaten down in my confidence and doubting my abilities. Almost all of the nurses had worked there since they were new grads, so an experienced new nurse was someone they didn't know how to handle and didn't know if or how to trust or respect my own knowledge and experiences. In addition to all that drama, which I was disheartened about but slowly overcoming, I started to realize that maybe I just plain don't like this new specialty very well. Since being off orientation, I've gotten to know my coworkers better, and I really like the majority of them. I'm learning a lot of new things and noticing a few aspects that I enjoy. However, I have a lot of little red flags that make me wonder if I made a mistake coming here. Overall, I have noticed that just because I CAN do a job, doesn't mean I WANT to. I am well qualified, and I COULD mentally and physically do just about any nursing job...but if my heart isn't in it, why would I? The situation has devolved to where I am actually depressed. I have started taking a low-dose SSRI. There are days when I'm walking in to work and fighting the overwhelming urge to turn around and leave. Things that used to spark that passion in me feel dead now - I have NO desire to go back to school, study, or go above and beyond my learning as I once did. Goals that I once thought were my life's calling seem uninteresting now. I am more physically exhausted after 3 night shifts than I think I have ever been (and I've worked nights for most of my career). Days off feel like I am back to living my "real life", and I often cry before heading back to work for the week. I do not feel that sense of ownership and loyalty that I have to my past units. My husband and I have talked about starting a family soon, and I cannot imagine working the way I do now AND being pregnant or having a young child. I know I would quickly lose my mind that way, and this is just not healthy. My husband is supportive and wants me to do whatever I think is best, but at this point my choice feels like family/personal life vs. work life. Do I "stick it out"? "Give it time" and other phrases we tend to tell brand new grads who "just need to get used to it"? I really don't want to leave my new coworkers or my severely understaffed unit in the lurch, or be seen as someone who job hops or gives up too easily. Sure, we all have growing pains and intense units are tough to get used to....but at what point do I say that this is not a good fit for me?