unbridledhell

Hello all, I'm a brand new nurse who has just started work on an acute medical ward (non-USA). I have only done three 12.5 hour shifts, and already I am full of anxiety about going back to work. I am so anxious that I have had fleeting thoughts of running away, and even of stepping off the hospital parking lot roof. I just woke up and the anxiety hit me smack bang that I have to go back to work in 2 days time. I have never ever felt like this about a ward before. The nurse to patient ratio is 1:7 or 1:8. Most shifts have no nursing assistant. Lots and lots of IV antibiotics and fluids; tons of meds. Patients requiring feeding. Lots of diabetes patients; some requiring hourly monitoring of blood sugars. Massive amounts of paperwork. Large number of bedbound patients, and incontinent, requiring hoisting or two nurses to turn. Patient care is terrible and it is not the fault of the nurses, who were wonderful and so upset about the situation. They didn't have time to help each other. They were afraid to speak up due to bullying and uncaring management. I wanted to report it as an adverse incident but they said there is no point as this is a daily occurrence. I don't think they have the money to provide safe staffing levels. The ratio may increase to between 1:9 and 1:10 shortly as we are taking on more patients but have no more staff. I have been working with another nurse and not even given my own set of patients yet, but even we struggled with two of us helping each other out! My nurse mentor finally got her first break after 9 hours, but only because I was with her to help. Not exactly a break though - as she spent it hiding out writing her paperwork. She says she has to do this every day. The floor manager stayed on all day to help out even though she was supposed to be doing a short shift. She too is at the end of her tether. I am writing this really to vent. I left all my shifts and cried all the way home and beyond - completely out of character. I am so so frightened and this is coming from an almost-40 year old mother of four, who has in the past worked as a nursing assistant before my bachelors! I really, truly don't want to go back to work on Monday. Three more shifts and I am on my own. God help me.