ElaineSmith

I went to BYU(Brigham Young University) in the 70's and graduated in 1980. Unfortunately, I needed to go on disability in 2000 and had to cut my career (which was WONDERFUL) short. I have been very ill ever since, sometimes worse than others. I can't work, I have many illnesses that people cannot SEE looking at me and believe me, I have over 30 diagnoses, have had at least 16 surgeries in my 60 years on thsi earth and been all alone to recuperate. When I moved to SC and registered my car, I was given a license plate with 3 number and 3 letters...those being "ICU"; appropriate both because I worked NICU for 15 years (among other areas) AND because in the past 3 year, I have been in a coma twice and spent time in ICU on two other occasions and had 3 other admissions. My life is so BORING all I do is watch TV and go to Church on Sunday. People think I am OK, but what they don't know is how much pain I am in and the fact that I cannot walk very far, sit for long periods of time and contemplate what the reason and meaning is behind all this I would rather be dead as I do not fear death but look forward to it....I just don't want to hurt on my way out of this life. I live alone. I need knee and hip replacements. There is no one to help me with anything (with one exception) and I can't have her live here 24/7. I WISH S.C. had the same laws as those states who believe in dying with dignity. I serve no real purpose. My children are grown and have seemed to forget all the things I did for them growing up and do not keep in touch with me (in fact they have gone to great lengths to hide from me) My parents died in 1980 and 2000 and there are really no other relatives. I go for weeks at a time without so much as talking to another human being because, between my lack of income and my inability to "do" things, I do not go out much. This is not living....this is existing. I hate it and I am very bored. I read, but I need to go to the park to do so, because my little apartment is VERY dark an it is difficult to see to read. Sometimes I go to the movies, but again sitting for 2 hours is a problem. Only one person calls me. (She lives in Texas and is super busy) Let's face it. I need help and there is NO ONE THERE TO HELP ME. I took care of my Uncle and my Dad, both WW11 vets who both died in 2000; I had a son who broke his neck 20 year ago and became a quadriplegic. I took care of him at home so he would not go to a Nursing Home. I helped him become independent enough to live in his own place with assistance and he goes to college since he is paid to do so. I Nursed him back to a good weight after going from 168 to 102 pounds. I turned him AT LEAST every 2 hours day and night and he NEVER had bedsores. I tube fed him at night while he was asleep so he did not know I was doing it and gave him a lot of fluids to keep his kidneys going. I have not heard from him since 1998. My daughter had a genetically defective son who almost died, but Grandma to the rescue. I set her (my daughter) and her nasty husband up in an apartment with my son (after he was well enough to leave home) in a nice apartment closer (by 45 miles) to the U of Utah. I took care of my daughter's baby from the moment he was born and afterward. I never hear from her either. I do not want to ever talk with my oldest daughter (a twin to a brother) since her only joy in life is to ruin mine. My "baby" who is now 26, often missed months of school at a time due to hospitalizations (where I stayed by her side). She just got married, but, of course I was not invited. I don't understand this lack of communication other than the oldest daughter poisoning all her siblings against me. SO I AM TOTALLY ALONE. Holidays, birthdays and other "important" days are just another day of boredom for me. I live on Social Security and have little if any additional funds to even buy clothes, shoes or a movie ticket, yet my grandchildren and their parents (who are doing VERY well financially) stole thousands of dollars worth of my things and deny it. Since I have no receipts, I can't even take them to court. They even stole my electric wheelchair! I also had a brand new top of the line I-pod that somehow disappeared from the box. So, I live each day HOPING it is my last. This is NOT living...it is existing and I hate it and resent it. So while it may be controversial, I DO believe in assisted suicide. That's my 2 cents worth.

When I worked ER I could usually tell when a CODE was going to be successful or not because I could feel the spirit of those that were still there. One time we had a 24 year old man who was in a car wreck brought in. By the time the ambulance reached the ER doors, he was in full arrest. We coded him for quite a while to no avail. Afterward, I was left to tidy up and tag and bag him. I could still feel his spirit. I pulled the curtains around the bed and told him to "go to the light and don't look back." I could literally feel his spirit leave.