justbreathee

Also: how would you deal with the daily fear (if you had it in your program) of being kicked out. I am constantly creating situations in my head where I can see myself getting kicked out because of things instructors say/chastize us about-what previous students say, and I am unsure if anyone is having difficulty staying afloat and they are just waiting for one more point taken off possibly like forgetting to grab white socks for clinical.

Background: I am a 19 y/o nursing student and non working CNA. I attend a nursing school here in California. It is a 'cohert/class' type and lack anyone near myself in age. None the less, I have always succeeded in school, extremely well. I have wanted to be a nurse since 12 when I had a life changing experience with a patient I was visiting with a volunteer program for hospice pts. I don't have any friends so to say in the program, and that is unusual for me as I am very outgoing and friendly to everyone and still am(golden rule never fails me). So I can't quite pin point WHY at various times I can pick up on gossipy type conversations very well about me. I am not a snotty or stuck up person, I usually get along with everyone. I don't believe I ask too many questions or am disruptive in the class, yet I really was feeling bullied in a sense until I stopped caring and realized I probably wont come out of here with any friends, and to ignore it and not let it effect me(I am not one to whine to any authoritative figures at my school, I have the "immature" stereotype simply for my age typically, and if they didn't already think that-it would just actually give them that impression and I thrive on respect from my elders). It is shocking to me how these grown women are reminding me of high school ONLY WORSE with the cliques and gossip. I have to retake a final to remain in the program (six points from the mandatory score), and now am mentally scarred and apprehensive about the upcoming other finals. I am lucky to have financially supportive parents so do not work, and spend pretty much every awake moment doing something to stay caught up/study school. I have never put 1/10 of the effort I am right now, and am barely staying afloat it feels. The program I am in is very unorganized and going through numerous admin/curriculum changes and its severely impacting our theory/clinicals. Its M-F 7-3 and is very cheap in comparison to private schools. The whole class failed our first final, but then ended up "magically" passing it after they reviewed the test-to me it was using previous instructors who are no longer there, their tests while failing to provide the information that we needed, as most of the class presumably studied their hearts out to our provided text books and assignments (some of the unorganization, we have brand new nurses teaching us because they graduated in the cohert before us 3-4 years back, and are only qualified by state as assistants but 'highly regarded' ). Any advice r/t above is highly appreciated but here is what made me post: Current Situation: I am now officially on break for holiday until next Monday, the 2nd and have the biggest workload yet that is all due on our first day back, not do to lack of planning, rather last minute assignments so we can take the two upcoming finals (theories have not been productive). I am scheduled to go and visit my elderly aunt who I love and basically raised me. I typically can not wait to get a break from my parents here at home and escape to her house for breaks from previous college semesters and can productively get homework done(its not a vacation, more like change of scenery and I love to keep her company). The problem: I do not want to go for the unknown and am dreading in a sense leaving my home tomorrow 5 am for my flight. Add in my flurry of stress and emotions with the anxieties mentioned above, and I am mentally distraught! Advice? -one worrisome student