tinker.72

Hi all, I am a new grad-passed nclex one month ago, graduated in December. The job market here is tight, so I took a job in LTC. I had heard positive things about the position, and thought it would be a good start for me considering I didn't have any prior experience. I am 39 and had been out of the workplace for 5 years to raise my children. One week after I started, the agency had a HUGE medication diversion. Since then, the culture where I work is very dysfunctional. There is alot of blame, backstabbing, and I have witnessed bullying among the nurses-both old and young. Then I became a target.. I was put on the floor with 48 pts with varying acuities after just 3 weeks of orientation. Because of the huge med pass, I rarely have time for assessments, treatments, and taking care of my residents. Often I do not have enough supplies (such as a working BP machine) to do my job. My 8 hour shifts become 11 hour shifts, 12 hours shifts become 15-often without a break. I had spoke to my clinical nurse mgr that I was feeling overwhlemed, underprepared and needed help, to which I was told that I could not be "supernurse" and that some things would simply have to be ignored and overlooked. I have been discouraged from calling the physician for important things (such as s/sx of TIA, pneumonia) yet there is no one willing to offer assistance or feedback when I have a question or ask for help. I have been yelled at in front of other staff and residents on the floor. I noticed yesterday that my clinical nurse mgr had made a med error, which I asked another nurse about. My manager called me today and yelled at me, stating that I was trying to write her up. I have been told that I act like I am superior because I have a BSN and alot of the nurses are LPN's. I certainly hope not-I don't want to give off that vibe at all. Often I am running around overwhlemed and the other nurse will be reading a magazine and not offer to help me. The management does not pay much attention to my pt care but rather calls me daily statng that I signed in the wrong place for a narc (I am working on this). I also got written up for messy handwriting. My clinical nurse manager snickers at me, rolls her eyes and does not address me in a polite manner. She yells at me daily. I was planning on leaving when I found a new job but the stress is getting to be too much. I am having nightmares, I can't eat, I have headaches alot. My personal relationships are suffering. I feel like i have no one to turn to to rememedy the situation. I need guidance and teaching this first year-and I am not getting it. I know the first year of nursing is supposed to be difficult. I am appying what I learned in school to real-life work situations. I know this-yet honestly I am so scared of setting foot on another floor, so afraid what they will find next that is wrong with me. I did not go into work tonight-I told them I was sick, because I am so stressed out, I do not think I could safely function. Experienced nurses, clinical nurse managers, anyone-please tell me it gets better. I am so ashamed at having to leave-but at this point I do not know what else to do.