missingmydad

In honor of my father, today is the anniversary of his death , I've been volunteering at a very small hospice) just sitting with two patients when I can, one in particular. This gentleman is a ward of the state, lost his wife to cancer 12 years ago, and has two sons that rarely visit. He sleeps most of the time, can not vocally speak (But communicates very well with me through nods, lip movement). I feed in mashed food, and or liquids. He also gives me beautiful smiles, winks and blows me kisses! His eyes are rarely open, but he'll open them for me for short moments in time. They are a bit glossy though he can see well enough and they get filmy. His thought process seems very clear. With Hippa I do not know what he is hospice for. He is diabetic and doesn't ever seem to complain of pain. I was dismayed the other day as the staff told me he wasn't eating or drinking much, and for a moment he made those loud gurgly breaths. Gratefully, they went away very quickly AND he ate a large bowl of mashed eggs and an entire carnation protein drink for me. I am just a volunteer that provides company. He's been watching the ceiling lately, but I don't think he sees anything special. I'd really like advice/tips on anything that could make my visits helpful. For instance: Should I encourage him to eat if he's willing when I'm there (or is he likely just eating for me?) Should I offer to pray with/for him? whatever his religion? Does the film on eyes mean anything? should I ask him about what he sees? Because he peps up with my visits, they encourage me to wake him, is that useful? Just looking for ways to make his last days better than worse. Also, any tips on preparing myself for the worst. I'm not sure if I can manage to sit with him when I see the worst of the signs my dad displayed, but I will try. I was blessed to have the last week in hospice to stay at my dad's bedside and hold his hand. He did not talk and was in a lot of pain, and slept much due to the morphine, cancer. So this is a bit different. thanks

Butterfly: i'm sorry for your loss, too. (my parents were married 56 years) There's just no way to bypass loss/grief. Although, I have found that keeping an eye out for my mother and spending time with her has been very helpful, as we can lean on each other and discuss our grief--or just sit in silence. Still....

Yikes, I think I'd study that picture with a microscope

to candesdukegirl---Wow! thanks. I totally get the lost thing. That's exactly it, where is "he" and all our lost loved ones. I did spend a week "looking for him", without realizing that's what I was doing! just really looking for the essence of him. I was literally on my hands and knees looking behind cabinets, tables, etc. at my parent's house. Unfortunately, when my mom asked what I was doing (this was just a few weeks after he died) I told her just that "I'm looking for Dad." thank goodness she understood.

I'm so sorry for your loss too. Your situation sounds so much like mine. It's helpful to know others understand this need to "pick apart his death" (exactly what I'm doing) especially spiritually. I am a Christian, and I know God is real and had a part in this. I do believe based on my father's seemingly acceptance of his impending death (before the cancer took over his brain) that he is in a good place. However, it's so beyond me now, that God would condemn anyone just because they were confused about a specific religion. (I know you understand because you fretted so much about your father too). This process is turning the God I love into a God I love because I'm afraid not to. thank you so much to everyone. Even though I do know I won't ever really find all the answers, here or anywhere, this is so very comforting.

thank you all soooooo much. Yes, this is so hard. I guess I'm working on this aspect so that I can avoid grief, or else I suppose, so I can trust my religion and turn to it---maybe I'm a little frustrated with God--although please note, for anyone with any religion, I promise you "He" whomever he is--had a huge part in changing my father's attitude at death. There's something to be said for that. As far as one on one or clergy, that's where my problem is-- those of the Christian faith will tolerate my questions for awhile (yes, I'm Christian) but soon they get tired of my questions, especially those that can't be answered. I also know that for some my questions are threatening. I KNOW God exists, but I don't know how he could possibly send anyone to eternal hell. But then, why was it important to God for my father to come to terms with his anger/fear, etc.? I'm questioning Christianity's understanding of the bible right now, and nobody face to face is comfortable with that. So thanks for all the help everyone. I do want to tell everyone one wonderful experience from this. It was a terrible time when I prayed for God to send me angels (both my parents were in the hospital on serious terms). It was in the middle of the night, so no one knew about the prayer. Two hours later my 4 year old woke up, he started watching the ceiling and asking what was making "them" fly. There's a lot more to this, but they followed us for several weeks, only showing up where we were. I wasn't sure whether they were "Godly" or not, since my son couldn't properly describe them. So, I asked for a sign, a feather, just to know that they weren't something to be afraid of. Ten minutes later, I found a pink feather tucked in my shirt. My father died with a white feather on his chest. There's much more to this, (small feathers showing up in strange places especially upon request/reassurance) but after my father died my sister found a giant (6" white feather) in her newly washed bed sheets. A few weeks later, her daughter found one in her room too. I'm waiting desparately for my beautiful feather. Thanks so much for the responses, they are all very helpful!

I really don't mean to digress, but this thread has led me to my own question on death and the spiritual after life. My father died recently from cancer. We experienced a lot of spiritual stuff--virtually his family members would pray for something, the answer would come from other family members that were unaware of original prayer, my 4 year old would see "angels"/floating objects that followed family members. My father was very angry with God and had been since he was a teenager. He was a wonderful man, but you could almost see the anger in his eyes if a hospital pastor offered prayer. Anyway, all this strange stuff seemed relevant to my father's preparation for death and eventually seemed to pave the way to acceptance/forgiveness of some sort. He even accepted prayer. Where do nurses think these ghosts come from? Lost souls that didn't go to the light, or didn't even get the light? Demons waiting to take us away? And does any pariticular religion seem crucial to having a positive death experience? Why are their so many ghost stories in this thread? It seems that hospice nurses often see patients of all faiths experience similar positive visions. What seems to make one death spiritual comforting, while others die in fear? I know these are loaded questions, but I'm asking as many nurses as I can. ANY thoughts are helpful! Trying to understand my dad's death seems to be a major part of my healing process. I'm going crazy with these thoughts. URGGGH! If I discuss it with church members, I virtually hear : the good things are from God, all bad things (what's considered bad by their theology is from the devil). So if a Christian had a positive death and saw relatives than they went to heaven, but if an "unsaved person" had the same experience it is because the devil is tricking us.) Thus, I want to go to the people that witness death first hand. Thanks so much.

:confused:My father died recently (cancer). Something spiritual seemed to happen as cancer progressed (virtually his family members would pray for something, the answer would come from other family members that were unaware of original prayer, my 4 year old would see "angels"/floating objects that followed family members, etc). Anyway, this seemed relevant to my father's preparation for death (he was angry with God and had some unfinished issues--these incidences eventually seemed to pave the way to acceptance/forgiveness of some sort.) I'm desperate to understand how important religion is at death, or specific religions even. It seems that nurses often view patients of all faiths having similar positive visions. I'd really like to know if nurses (based on experience) feel a certain faith is necessary for a positive, spiritual/supernatural (talking to dead people, seeing angels, etc.) death experience . Or does it seem that "God" makes himself visible to all at death? And what about evil experiences (those that are fearful or see "demons")? Are these mostly seen in people afraid of death or that have unfinished business? And why are there so many ghost stories in allnurses? Could these be souls that didn't make it to the light? Or could they be real demons? I know these are loaded questions, but I'm asking as many nurses as I can. ANY thoughts are helpful! Trying to understand my dad's death seems to be a major part of my healing process. I'm going crazy with these thoughts. URGGGH! If I discuss it with church members, I virtually hear : the good things are from God, all bad things (what's considered bad by their theology is from the devil). So if a Christian had a positive death and saw relatives than they went to heaven, but if an "unsaved person" had the same experience it is because the devil is tricking us.) Thus, I want to go to the people that witness death first hand. Thanks so much.

I don't know how to send a private message :! and I'd like to ask a question. My father died recently (cancer). Something spiritual seemed to happen as cancer progressed (virtually his family members would pray for something, the answer would come from other family members that were unaware of original prayer). Anyway, this seemed relevant to my father's preparation for death (he was angry with God and had some unfinished issues--these incidences eventually seemed to pave the way to acceptance/forgiveness of some sort.) Anyway, I'm desperate to understand how important specific religion at death. It seems that nurses often view patients of all faiths having similar positive visions. I'd really like to know if nurses (based on experience) feel a certain faith is necessary for a positive, spiritual/supernatural (talking to dead people, seeing angels, etc.) death experience . Or does it seem that "God" makes himself visible to all at death? And what about evil experiences (those that are fearful or see "demons")? I know this is a loaded question, but I'm asking as many nurses as I can. Trying to understand my dad's death seems to be a major part of my healing process. Thanks so much!

I meant to add: (thus the reason for all my questions :) . I am focusing on God's word and asking Him to help direct me. AND, I really do want to try the hospice options, they were very patient and kind. Thanks for all the book suggestions. I am reading everything I can get my hands on! Your responses will help me greatly!

thank you all for responding. I've noticed that this site has such an amazing collection of caring people. And for those that have also suffered loss, I'm sorry too. It's so hard to tell my kids that the sadness from grandpa's death is one problem I just can't solve. And to HospiceNurse, I'm even more sorry for your loss that is also so recent. I think the hardest part of all of this is watching my mother deal with the loss. Regarding talking to a pastor, I have actually found myself moving away from the church right now. I have spent much time studying on my own. I know God had a hand in this, but I just don't want to keep hearing (subtly) how the devil was as prominant as God in this (everything that was good that happened was due to God, everything bad that happened was blamed on the devil, and his fight to "win" my father).

I'm not a nurse, just a grieving daughter. My dad died in February after his colon cancer returned to met. in his liver. His birthday was last week. I'm trying desperately to move past my grief but I can't seem to move beyond the questions of life after death. I've been comforted by all the hospice stories of deathbed visions. There was nothing unusual about my father's death, except that 2 days before he died he opened up his eyes briefly to stare at a seam in the ceiling behind him. He had to bend his head akwardly to do so. I kept trying to get him to look at me, but he kept returning his eyes to the ceiling. This lasted just a few minutes, then he closed his eyes again. He could not speak in his final days. But now that I have heard about deathbed visions, I wish I would have asked him if he saw something. Still, this is not the real reason I need to ask about hospice experiences. About a year before my father died, I prayed for God to send an angel to comfort me. Two hours later, my four year old son, (unaware of this prayer) woke up at night and stared at the ceiling. Apparently, he saw "beings" floating above us. We moved from room to room and they followed. He was so freaked out, I asked (again silently) for a sign (a feather) that these beings were "safe". Ten minutes later, I felt a scratching beneath my shirt. Sure enough, I found a feather. From then on, we found feathers every where, (it was winter) including one feather on my father's chest the day he died. Our clothes that we chose for the funeral, each had a feather, as did my mother's coat. The feathers stopped the day after his funeral, until my sister woke up and found a 6" feather in her newly washed bedsheets. Other, more profound events occured that others can concur, and all seemed to call my father back to God--(he'd been angry with God most of his life and declared himself an atheist.) I'm wondering what the significance of these experiences were. Did my dad need to make "amends" with God before he died? Was this necessary for him in order to have a peaceful death? Regardless of whether these "events" were spiritual or not, I'd like to hear real experiences from real hospice nurses on death bed visions and experiences. Are most deaths actually uneventful as far as visions and "spiritual" (for lack of a better term) experiences? Do most people "see" something or experience something that comforts them before death? Or are there just as many "scary" or "hellish" visions/experiences? What makes someone experience a positive comforting death versus a terrible one? Is it pain, fear, unfinished business, does religion seem to play any role as far as the type of visions or experiences? And what about the huge ghost stories thread? What do you think is responsible for ghosts? Evil spirits, demons, lost souls? And how could a soul get lost? Do patients that die unexpectedly (such as an emergency room death) seem to experience death differently? (perhaps because they werent' prepared?) I know I have a lot of questions, and I know that hospice nurses don't have the key to life and death. But I do want to know what most nurses think is waiting for us on the other side, based on experience and opinions due to these experiences. Most threads seem to show one side only--either positive death bed visions, or ghost/demon type stories. I want to know what nurses think the factors are to good and bad experiences. And what experiences are the most common? Does religion seem to make a difference? Does hell or evil seem to exist? Do you believe death doesn't occur, in most cases, until a person's soul is ready? (again, back to unfinished business, waiting for family members to arrive). I do not want to split this thread into a Christianity debate, but does anyone believe the Christian requirement of "accepting Jesus" seem relevant? Do most patients really see a "light?" If so, what do you think this light is? I'm not seeking gruesome details, trying to raise a religious debate or make light of any patient's experiences. And please, please, don't respond if you think deathbed experiences are caused by medication, disease or brain death. My goal here is to heal. I can't seem to do so until I move past some of these questions. At this stage of my grief I do not want to even consider that my father has simply ceased to exist. A few weeks after my father passed, I visited my mom. I kept looking for something, I don't quite know what, but I was on the ground, behind desks, I couldn't stop . When my mother asked me what I was looking for, I couldn't help what I said: I told her I was looking for Dad. I guess it was the transition period of trying to accept that my father was truly gone--that he wasn't just around the corner or at the store. Of course, he's not here, but I still keep trying to find him....Without a doubt something spiritual happened to our family throughout his battle that seemed completely relevant/necessary in preparing my father for death. I know what I experienced, I know what other family members experienced, I know HOW it affected my Dad, but I don't know WHY. I don't know what difference it made or want signifiance it had. Of course, I hope to hear that almost all patients die in the comfort of God and welcomed by loved ones that they have missed, and that we only pass when our soul is truly ready to move on. etc. etc. That bad deaths are only due to pain or fear (that turns to shear joy in the after life). But what really seems to happen? Thank you for sharing. And thank you to the hospice nurses that cared for my father in his last week. I miss him.