RNXU

Hi. I recently graduated from nursing school in May and I am about a month and a half into my MICU orientation. Yesterday was the first day I decided to take on two patients of my own. My preceptor is really awesome and she was very helpful even though we had a crazy day. My one patient went into A. fib in the afternoon and I was worried about her. My other patient was brought into the ER with resp failure, was intubated and sent to ICU. He was fairly stable and was extubated during the morning. He was stable the rest of the day. Finally everyone was stable towards the end of my shift. I went to help another nurse move a patient. I came back and his O2 stats were low I went in to check on him and he had vomited and aspirated contrast fluid we had given him earlier in the day. I yelled for help and called a code blue. The code started and we were able to bring him back but his ABGs were awful and he was unstable. My preceptor was in the room when his family came in and she almost had to call a code again but the family withdrew care on him. I have been a mess all day long. I know it was not my fault but I feel like I failed this man. I keep replaying over and over what I could have done. I knew going into the ICU that patients would die despite effort but I am having a hard time dealing with it. How do I? I am so scared to back to work in a few days. When will I stop feeling miserable and not cry when I think about it? Is it because I was in the room showing him how to use the remote 5 mins before and not some extremely old person who was end of life anyways? Please help so I can actually walk into work again.