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Thank you all so much, I’m a little in tears reading your words. Your encouragement and advice moved mountains for me. This has been one of the most stressful periods of my life, and after careful consideration I have decided to resign and find other employment. Other nurse friends I have confided in have stated they are micromanaging me like crazy and bullying; I have been thinking its just been my lack of tough skin and nursing skills in general (though likely its not that black and white, its all of it). Its crazy how many of you are mentioning the poor work culture based on the few examples I brought up. There is actually so much more stuff I left out (and have experienced since posting this) that I could write another essay just about how the environment/my colleagues. So, I am moving on and searching for a better place to work. I took this job because of the pay and *seemingly* nice work culture, but it is a massive hospital system, and someone told me that its harder to keep a positive culture in the larger organizations. There was another hospital I was accepted at but ultimately declined for this job; the manager had told me they treat each other like a family. I felt good there during my interview. I hope to find that in my next workplace.

Hello Everyone, First, I’m sorry for how long this is. I’m really struggling as a new nurse and feel a bit like a failure. I am searching for a place for support, advice, or just your own experiences. Opinions are totally welcome; the good, the bad, the ugly. I just want to know where I stand with the problems I’m facing and the mistakes I have made in my first 3 months on my own as a new nurse. Who better to ask that internet nurses with no personal attachment to me that can tell me like it is? I have made numerous mistakes brought up to me by management. It has been made clear to me that if I make more mistakes I could be terminated, I even had to sign the warning for it. I’ve never been fired from a job and I don’t want to be thought of as incompetent. My errors: I wasted lomotil incorrectly 3 times (all within two days). I didn’t realize it was scheduled - I was like, diarrhea meds, its fine. Also the patient who had refused it was in a contact room, so I thought I couldn’t bring it out of the room. This is true - but I still needed to find a witnessing nurse. Now I know better. I should have known when the Pyxis prompted counting that it mattered. One of my faults is being absolutely dumb not realizing just how much red tape there is in nursing, for controlled meds for diarrhea. I feel like an idiot - but at least now I know better. I had a no call no show. Yeah, I know, yikes. I didn’t check my schedule after the final was posted and the schedule I had in my calendar was from before they finalized it. I struggle with anxiety, and the night before I was supposed to go in, I wasn’t able to sleep. I couldn’t go in when they called; I would have been a danger to my patients. If I had slept I totally would have gone in. I felt I couldn’t tell them that, so I made up an excuse as to why I couldn’t come in (also told them about having written my schedule wrong). I know I need to get a handle on my sleep and my anxiety - I’ve started taking medicine for anxiety recently. Even before this happened, I always made sure that I was sleeping at a good hour. I am now constantly checking the official schedule too. I forgot to change tubing one day when I was really busy and overwhelmed. I brought an immunocompromised patient Starbucks (the Starbucks is in the hospital, I was thinking of going on my break, so when he asked me to, I was like ‘sure, let me see if I can’. I asked our clerk if it was okay when I should have asked a nurse. The clerk told me it was fine, so I thought, yeah, it should be fine, maybe its a normal thing. I also reasoned that that his family probably would have done it for him as I’d seen other patients families do it. I still should have known better. *face palm*. I am not social enough with coworkers. This one bothers me because while I am equal parts introvert and extrovert, my entire shift is spent talking to people and I enjoy being on my own at lunch, not talking or catering to other people. I also feel uncomfortable around a lot of the other nurses - part of that being that I am new and feel like a bit of a screw up so far. They also feel a bit unapproachable. I asked the wrong question to the wrong nurse. I was doing my first chemotherapy since orientation (this was in late September, the last time I had done it was when I was with my preceptor in July). My epic sidebar layout was different that everyone else’s for some reason, so I asked a senior nurse where I could find the chemo checklist. She told my manager and they acted like I didn’t know anything about what I was doing - when in reality, I had done a refresh, read the policy that morning, and was pretty confident for my first chemo admin alone. The manager had the audacity, after telling me this complaint, to say “if you don’t know something, ask questions!”. I normally ask a ton of questions. Even things I know, sometimes I ask just to be extra positive I am doing the right thing. Now, I feel like I can’t ask questions, because if I ask the wrong person, they are going to tattle and make me seem even more incompetent than they probably already believe I am. Than I am starting to believe I am, if I’m being honest. My confidence is really going down the tube. I spend too much time talking with my patients. While I am learning time management and critical thinking, this is totally valid. It's also not that I am a huge socialite trying to talk to them and waste time - its that these people are all in really difficult situations, in the hospital for weeks, sometimes months at a time, and I want them to feel heard. I just think if it were me in their shoes, having my nurse stop to listen to how I am coping or how much I miss my dog would mean the world to me. I just need to focus on nursing, my true priorities, and remember that at the end of the day I am not these peoples buddy. Maybe I can be in the future, but not while I am learning and management is up my ***. I gave Tylenol to a patient for fever when they were at 38, not 38.3. I had been with the patient for two days and they were febrile; I wasn’t stopping to process their actual temperature. I was thinking that it was elevated, so I’ll give Tylenol. The patient was having aches as well, so it wasn’t really *that* wrong as they were also prescribed Tylenol for pain, but really: I totally gave it for the wrong reason. Thankfully this hasn’t come up to management but it is still something I know I did wrong and it sticks with me. I forgot to do blood cultures on that patient I gave Tylenol to. I didn’t actually forget - that day when I was getting report, I was recovering from blocked Eustachian tubes after having had a bad sinus infection. I couldn’t hear well and thought the other nurse told me they had been completed (when a pt spikes we do 3 cultures every 24hr. One had been done.). Still totally my screw up because I need verify everything myself in the chart and protect my own ***. I messaged the MD and told him, asked him if he wanted more cultures, and he said it was unnecessary. *face palm* Writing this I just keep cringing, because right now I’m relaxed and thinking, how could you do those things? Are you not using your head at all? Also part of me feels a bit unsupported by my administration and coworkers. I am totally responsible for my actions; but I just feel overwhelmed and maybe I’m not ready for this or am in the right career. My favorite part of my job is the patients - everything else is draining me/bleeding into my life in negative ways.