Caringhand333

Hello, I have been a nurse for 4 years but began travel nursing only about a year ago. I went to a hospital that I was way in over my head at but didn't realize until something horrible happened. It was a community hospital that had very few resources, was a trauma stepdown unit when I only had tele experience and the patient population was very demanding- not hesitating to scream at you to get your attention. I assumed that because I was approved for the assignment that I was suitable for it but looking back all these years later I was not. I remember I was being bullied by some of the nurses and the patients. Had a very hard time receiving any help, and was drawing all my own labs and doing my own vitals and patient care while taking care of patients that I was not used to caring down on an acuity level. Everyday going to that hospital was like drowning before you even set foot on the floor. I remember feeling like there was just no way to get everything done and I would just be scrambling. I had worked at several hospitals before this and never felt this way. I cant remember a lot from this day because it was so traumatizing to me. I am still receiving therapy for it years later. But I that day I just remember being pulled into a million directions and not getting a chance to even really look at my patients chart until they coded. He was walky talky and when he started to complain of abdominal pain I came over and did a focused assessment and noticed his abdomen was distended, medicated him for pain and called the MD but not long after he began to code and there was massive amounts of stool coming out of his mouth. I am assuming it was a bowl obstruction of some sorts. I cannot stop beating myself up for that day, not checking him and his orders in a timely manner. I didn't admit him and I am not even sure why he was there because I got so caught up in the millions of orders that I was trying to complete on time . I had never been so overwhelmed by screaming demanding patients, wound care orders that took a whole hour to do, millions of labs , vitals, meds all with no help that I think that I just lost sight of what was really important. I have tried talking to a therapist etc about it but they don't understand medicine so its hard. I know that most likely if he was that sick there was not that much that I could have done and that the whole team failed him likely. But for some reason I feel so guilty I have even contemplated suicide because I feel like such a failure- like I neglected my patients because he didn't have many meds and seemed fine---until he didn't. I already know I screwed up but if anyone has any kind words of advice it would be greatly appreciated. It's now like 6 years later and I think about it almost daily. SIncerely, nurse