NYCCVT26

Thanks for your feedback and advise. I actually was not able to send you a DM for some reason; says I have 0 available? Whatever that means haha. I did talk to my teacher right now, and he said that they do trust me which is why I am doing things alone, but that my confidence is low and its making them/him disappointed in me. I guess I am just nervous to make a mistake, or get yelled at for doing something wrong, especially if I have never done it before? I also did speak with the manager on Friday; she called me in to her office to chat about what was going on. I hope that did not make things worse for myself. But I did tell her about what was being said about me/how people were acting to me and that I think my proctor and I may have personality conflicts but I want to be there and I want to learn and improve. This entire thing has me second guessing myself even further and I feel more awkward to return to the lab. Make me feel as if everyone knows my business and now thinks poorly of me. Sigh.

Hi again! Well, I am a close to being done with my fall semester clinicals and somehow things are progressively getting worse in my lab. My female proctor and I have been butting heads lately and I am finding myself being defensive and reacting to her. She is very blunt and rude, says back handed comments frequently and always holds empty threats over me such as "just so you know, everyone notices when you do XYZ and it will be reflected during your hiring process" but this is typically in reference if I take a 10 min break to use the bathroom/eat a snack after scrubbing back to back cases while they eat in the monitor area and mess around on their phones, or something of the equivalent. I have felt like I am not getting enough support; for example I scrub every case but my proctors have not been scrubbing in with me all the time so I do not know what I am doing and get overwhelmed/stressed easily and its hindering my learning; I can only focus on the chaos in the moment VS actually learning. I do excellent if someone is scrubbed in with me and teaching me step by step. I have expressed my concerns and needs to both my proctors. I have also tried to be flexible and adaptable when people make suggestions on how I can do things better. I frequently find myself adapting and taking the suggestions in only to then be criticized when I put it into application, which then makes me second guess myself and I ask questions... which leads my proctors to telling me I am "not getting better, but in fact, getting worse and I do not have any confidence" ... I feel as if I cannot win for losing. Things came to a head over the last 2 weeks. This past week, my female proctor ignored me the entire day- did not even acknowledge me, and I worked with another team entirely. She was standing feet from me and was joking/laughing with everyone around me but ignored me, because she was upset with me from the previous week when she made a backhanded remark to me and I retorted in return in frustration. A staff member this week told me that everyone in the lab was talking about poorly about me, and everyone is "on board" with what "one person thinks about me"... the entire situation has become escalated to the management. (Not by me, another staff saw/heard this happening and reported it.) Now I feel entirely uncomfortable and insecure about being there. I spoke to my male proctor about what had been going on the past few weeks, and I hope that him and I have more of an understanding. He was not entirely aware of what was going on between she and I. My teacher is also aware of what is happening in the lab. I am concerned I am not cut out of for this industry. Or I just need more "hand holding" right now but I fear that is going to make me be perceived as weak. Overall, I am not enjoying this experience. I take my RCIS in April and graduate in May but I am seriously considering withdrawing from the program based on my unhappiness. Please advise. ?

Thank you Wedgepressure (love the name by the way) I think your advice is helpful. I hope I can "toughen up" and make it through this next year at this site. I guess I am having a hard time taking things personally right now.

I am a student in the Cardiovascular Technology program studying in the invasive track, so I work in the Cath lab as a scrub, monitor and circulator tech, alternating roles each case. I am currently doing my clinicals and struggling. My proctors are very nice and supportive, and overall my skills are more advanced than what they have seen in past students according to them. However after every night of clinicals, I have crushing anxiety. I do not feel entirely welcomed by the staff, I feel like an outsider... which I know I am as a student. I work hard by always helping set the sterile table and field, prepping the patient pre and post case, stocking the rooms, studying angio films and ECG etc. But yet I still have other staff and doctors making comments to me. I know I am there to learn and improve but sometimes it feels as if everyone has a comment and criticism to make to me. Everyday, all day, each case, before and after each case... someone is telling me that I am doing something wrong or ways to do it better, even if my proctor has no problems with how I am doing and fully trusts me to scrub a left heart by myself, which I have many times. I over analyze every conversation that was had after each day and fear that I am making a bad impression or that people are gossiping about me after I leave. I want to make a good impression and learn as much as I can but I worry that I am too sensitive. I dread going to clinicals every night before I go, up until the moment I am there and frequently during the day. I have cried in the bathroom, in my car, on my way home, after I get home. I feel incompetent and sensitive, and I am not sure I can handle another year of clinicals while feeling this way. The site I am assigned to is very gossipy and cliquey. I also have guilt because there are a few people who are very nice and helpful, so I beat myself up that I am not as grateful for the experience as I should be. There is also a student from my school who graduated this year (2021) who is now a new hire, and she makes comments about me to everyone around me. She points out everything I do wrong and tells everyone about it, making it seem like I am a poor student. She also mocks me for then trying to be a good student... like studying stroke codes when JHCO was at our hospital; with her I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. She is still an orientee, and its like her days mission to make me look like a fool in front of everyone. This week was my breaking point and I said something to my proctor who agreed with me that her actions and words were not called for, and told me to not listen to her but now I wonder if he will say something to her and she will make my life more miserable after the fact. Has anyone else felt this way about clincials? About dreading it, and being new, and dealing with catty people in their lab? Does it get better? Am I being overly sensitive? And any tips on how to navigate this is appreciated.