anxiousADN2020

I feel like the more I do this, the less I care.. It's a tough, dangerous pill to swallow, personally. Would I want a nurse who didn't really care? Heck no. I'm considering other healthcare options that aren't nursing. I don't know. It just doesn't seem to suit my personality. Not at all how I envisioned it. I'll stay until I have another job at least. I'm proud of you for having a plan, though! I wish you the best and hope you reach your goals.

I've been waiting so long for someone to respond, so thank you. It is nice to know that someone heard me.

Hi everyone, I'm here for advice and a bit of venting. I'm a new grad RN, licensed as of July 2020. I had my first job all figured out, was gonna work a small med/surg floor in a community I was familiar with and had worked at before. But life happens and I moved to another city, where the commute to that small hospital just wasn't reasonable nor safe. So, because of COVID, the first of very few jobs that opened up to me was an OR circulator position at a level 1 trauma center. I was excited, interested, and thought I knew what to expect, so I took the position. I mean, surgery?! So cool. I only lasted two months before I put in a notice and left. Before I was even close to finishing my training, I had surgeons asking me to do things that I had no idea how to do, as the circulator frequently left the room and the scrub was already sterile. I also found that ORs are louder than I had imagined. Often, someone would be talking to me and I couldn't hear them. The anxiety of asking a surgeon what he said for a third time just didn't make me feel great. So, I felt like all eyes were on me, I was failing, I couldn't hear people properly (something I've got to get checked out, sure) and I was crying as soon as I got in my car both to and from work. I had a pleasant conversation with the manager and she told me she understood completely, that OR just isn't for everyone and that's OK. She made me feel better, but I can't help but feel the disappointment that comes with not landing that perfect-fit job. I put so much pressure on myself to fit in and learn faster than I'm capable just so others won't see me as incompetent. Looking back, I wonder if I let the anxiety get the best of me too soon. Should I have stayed? Am I a quitter or justified? These things plague me. Soon after, a med/surg position at another hospital opened up and I took the job. I told myself I had already tried the "not everyone has to start with med/surg" approach. I told myself I needed the basics down before I deserved to look at another specialty again. So, I am still here, working on this med/surg tele floor that is also open to oncology patients. Our ratio is 1:6. I have been here for about 3 months. I am finding again that I feel overwhelmed. I ask myself if I should have become a nurse, should I have chosen another field, etc. 6 patients is so much for me, but I look around at these other nurses doing it, so I keep trucking along. There are moments I want to quit. When I have 2 high fall risk patients, confused, bed alarms going off, while I'm trying to start a blood transfusion on my pt who has a critical Hgb, my other pt is actively vomiting, soiled, and another is threatening to call the supervisor if I don't get her pain meds this very second.. It seems hopeless. It is blatantly unsafe. The staffing has major issues. There are nights that I work with a group of travel and float nurses I've never even seen before. Most nights we have one aide for around 30 patients, but there are nights that we have no aide. Between vitals, sugars, meds, assessments, documentation, communicating with docs, putting out whatever fires come up...I just don't feel like a nurse. I don't feel like what I do is making a difference. I feel like I have to wear so many hats that I can't safely be who I'm meant to be. I don't mind hard work. I don't care if I rarely get to sit down. I just want to feel safe, like I won't lose my license within one year of getting it. I want to feel competent. I want other nurses to see me and hear me when I'm struggling. I do ask questions. I do ask for help. But still I feel like it's so much. And often, there isn't anyone to help me because they're all busy dealing with their own work load. I want there to be a safe amount of staff for our pt's needs.. I know, wishful thinking. But is this really what nursing is? I've read so many posts on here, so many blogs. Some people say buckle up, some say maybe it's the unit, some say maybe nursing isn't for you. I am not looking for crotchety healthcare workers to tell me to get over it.. I need some enlightenment or something. I need to feel like I'm making a difference. Also, worth a mention, there are two nurses on dayshift who seem to love interrogating me and making me feel small in report. Report alone is a skill. It takes practice and experience. But grilling me for not knowing answers to some of your questions is unprofessional. It's so easy to be kind. Which I guess is part of why I'm struggling. Pts are unkind. Docs are unkind. Other nurses are unkind. It's draining. A polite suggestion, such as, "I think it would be good for you to know ___ when you give report. Let me show you where to find that info" would go so much further than staring a hole in me and creating the most awkward tension in front of the pt. Some people love power trips I guess. I don't feel like I have time to prepare a good report. I admit that I need improvement and I try to get a little better each shift. But I also feel that these two nurses in particular aren't giving me the respect I deserve. I am new, I have a lot to learn, I admire those that have seniority over me, but I am a person and I deserve respect. I've wanted to be ugly in return so many times, but it's just not in my nature. So, I thought I cried a lot when I was in the OR position, but this med/surg job has me reaching new heights of anxiety and depression. My poor boyfriend, who I live with, has seen me turn from this full-of-wonder new grad to an anxious sack of potatoes. I have anxiety attacks often before shifts. I cry so much. I am experimenting with my schedule, trying 3 shifts in a row vs. 2 on 3 off etc., to see if that helps. I am awaiting a doc appt to address the anx/depression. I do have a history of those, it just seems that becoming a nurse has exacerbated them. I even look up other careers, just daydreaming about a job where I don't have the same worries as I do now. I've spoken with family friends who are nurses and they suggest outpatient settings where acuity isn't so intense. So, I've applied to more than ten different places, but don't hear back because they want nurses with more experience. LOL. I got so ecstatic when I found a listing for a clinic that works with low-income, underserved populations. But was passed up again. I think that I would thrive in that area. I grew up needing those types of services, so I get lots of satisfaction helping those in that position.. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. I would appreciate any advice or words of encouragement. I fear I have lost my empathy so soon.