Bjessica

It was my first job as an RN. I can’t work for that hospital anymore since it was a residency. I really couldn’t do the patient load, after 3 months. I’m terrified to go through that again. Every day I messed up. No mistakes like medication error, but can you imagine if I had a code? I felt drowning every day, and honestly felt like I failed every single day I worked. I appreciate you trying to encourage me to stick in nursing, I really do, but I do feel like nursing is out of my league. Maybe if I go back to an aid for a little while, maybe I’d want to try nursing again. I’m not sure.

Look I’m just going to be honest and blunt here. I was given 3 months of orientation and I failed it. The hospital isn’t to blame, my preceptors aren’t to blame. I just could not do the patient load. I was ok with 4 patients, maybe 5, struggled with 6, and couldn’t do all 7. When I got to 7 my preceptor had to always do something for me, whether it was take care of a transfer or admission or help give medication or contact a physician about a problem etc. so now I don’t know what to do. I thought about going back to being an aid because I loved it and was good at it. If I do that, I’ll have to revoke my nursing license. I hate all my hard work and money for nursing school to end with me revoking it. People have told me what about a nursing home? But in a nursing home, you get an even higher patient load. And I’m too new to be a home health nurse. Being asked to leave the hospital and turn in my badge felt so shameful and I feel like a failure. I wish I could have been successful. They even asked me if I really passed my nclex. Of course I have. I tried hard, the best I could. Do you think I could take my chances to work as an aid without revoking my RN license? I just don’t want to do that. I know it’ll eventually be lost but I can’t bring myself to revoke it yet.