Please Help! Goal Statement for Grad Sch. This is my 4th edition

Good stuff here! Your story is amazing.

I did some editing, mostly for conciseness. Got it down to 866 words! Just needs a short conclusion and I added a few notes where I felt you could elaborate with examples. If you go over 1000 words, you could cut out some details about your trip to the refugee camp. It is a very powerful story and I think it will still be powerful even if you are forced to edit it for length. Unfortunately the rest of your essay is necessary to answer the essay prompt, so you can't really cut out much there.

I had bolded everything that I changed in the text below, but it didn't transfer when I copied from my word processor onto allnurses. Let me know if you want me to email the file, so that you can see exactly what I changed at a glance. Hope this helps!

I could barely catch my breath. I had been running for what seemed to be days, yet it may have been hours, I could not be sure. It was very hot and dry. My mouth felt like it was filled with dust as I tried to get air into my lungs. I was constantly tripping over the uneven path, but it was not uneven earth. Dead and half-dead bodies covered the path as I struggled to run from the rebels.

I wanted so badly to be able to help all these helpless people but I had no idea what to do, so I continued to run. I did not want to be one of the dead bodies in the path. I knew I wanted to live. I was sure that I had more to do with my life.

After weeks on the run, I finally left Sierra Leone rebel territory and boarded a boat to Guinea. Once I arrived there I took a truck to a refugee camp. I will never forget the smell on that truck. It was almost impossible to breath it was so hot. It felt like there was no air at all, just the smell of dirty, exhausted refugees sitting in a dark unventilated, over-crowded truck. I had to bite on a lime to keep myself from throwing up on someone and making a horrible situation even worse.

I was very depressed when I got to the refugee camp even though I had escaped the rebels. I had no family, friends or money. I eventually met a nice lady ("nice lady" is a rather vague descriptor. I would either just say "a woman named Marie" or choose a stronger adjective to describe her) named Marie who also lived in one of the giant tents where we slept.

I decided to volunteer to help in the make-shift clinic to keep my mind occupied. One day they brought in my only friend, Marie. She was suffering from cholera. She had only been sick for a short time, but I barely recognized her. She looked like a skeleton. Her cheek bones protruded and her eyes seemed to sink into her face. I was struck with fear and sadness. I did not know what to do to help my friend. I desperately wanted to help, but I did not have the knowledge needed to help her. (Maybe add a sentence here to relate this moment to the feeling you had while running over the bodies)

My life in Sierra Leone greatly impacted my desire to become a nurse. I have seen family members die needlessly because they had no access to medical care. I have seen horrible deaths during the war and I have had friends die in my arms. These are the experiences that made me realize I wanted to learn about medicine and become a nurse. I never wanted to feel that helpless again.(I switched this paragraph with the paragraph below. It seems to flow better here)

I have now been living in the United States for seven years. Since arriving here I completed high school and received my undergraduate degree in nursing; I began working as a nurse and I am now determined to achieve a doctoral degree with a concentration in family nursing.

I am enjoying my nursing experiences at the hospital where I work now. I look forward to vast and varied experiences (where? in your hospital? in school?) so I can learn as much as possible about nursing. I want to be the best possible nurse I can be and have the skills to teach others to be the best they can be. I plan to eventually go back to teach in the nursing facilities in Sierra Leone, and also write a nursing text to be used there. The nursing schools in Sierra Leone are far below U. S. standards. This is one reason why they have one of the highest infant and maternal mortality rates in the world: one out of every nine mothers dies in childbirth. This is one statistic that has always stood out in my mind. It is also the statistic that helped me to decide exactly what I wanted to do as a nurse. I have unfortunately seen young mothers and infants die from preventable causes due to a lack of medical knowledge. (add a quick example) I will never forget the sadness and loss I saw in those mother’s eyes. I knew almost immediately

("immediately" is unclear. when did this happen? before, during, after the war?) that I wanted to work in maternal child health and do all I could to improve the chances of both mothers and infants.

A doctor of nursing practice (DNP) degree from......University will not only enable me to give back to society, but more importantly, it will equip me with the knowledge I need to advocate and take care of my patients with the most current and best evidence based practices available. (I think improved patient outcomes are implied. ) My experience as a floor nurse on a cardiac and stroke unit have helped to prepare me with the general knowledge and foundation I need to successfully complete the BSN-DNP degree. (Examples of how this relates to maternal-child health?)

Overcoming the many challenges I have faced in my life has helped me realize that I can achieve any goal I set for myself. When I came to the United States, I committed myself wholly to my studies, in high school and college. I plan to keep abreast of my profession by continuing my studies throughout my life. A doctor of nursing practice (DNP) degree is one more step toward my goal of being not only a lifelong student, but a teacher as well.

conclusion--one or two sentences that focus on your desire to advance your knowledge and support the medically underserved population of Sierra Leone

Thank you so much, this is very helpful. And yes I would like you to email the editted copy if you dont mind. should I post the email here?

I will private message you my email address (not sure if you can send PMs, but you should be able to read them). Then you can email me and I will send the file to you.

Very touching and as I read, I got a visual of the unfortunate incidence. I am happy you are doing this partly for your community, that itself is what nursing is about (patient advocacy and giving back). Good luck!