New Drugs

Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier:

St. Mom's Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves lirting.

Dumerol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q., causing enjoyment of rap music.

Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person..... can we get aked now?"

Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a onnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin: Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin: Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamet: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay: A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.