NEED help....revising my personal statement

pharmgirl · Feb 7, 2010

from my earliest memories, i have always wanted to pursue a career in the healthcare field and nursing was my only option. (why is nursing your only option? sounds like a last ditch effort to the admissions committee) i want to become a nurse in desire ( in desire, not needed...delete) to save lives, comfort, and care for patients. to me there is no greater reward than to help a patient heal or recover from their illness. (new paragraph) i am a goal oriented person, and i think i can accomplish anything and everything that i want in life with hard work, commitment and dedication. i am not only an excellent student with perfect grades but also encompass all the qualities that a nurse needs in order to be successful.

(might add a leading statement such as."one of these qualities is....) i have great communication skills that would help me listen to patients' problems and try to solve them. all the traumatic (traumatic what? or did you mean trauma? i, personally would simplify this by saying "events during my life....or something like that), death and sufferings that i have encountered in my own life have made me an emotionally stable and mentally strong individual.

(another leading statement such as...."another quality i possess.....) i am a very tender hearted person and have empathy for others pain and suffering. i believe i can feel the compassion and provide all the support needed to comfort an ill patient. i am a very detail oriented person who pays extra attention to situations that involve consequences (sounds like you only pay attention in situations that involve consequences, i would rephrase) and respond quickly and appropriately to make situations better. i am respectful and conscious of all the different cultures and traditions. i also have pleasant appearance that brings comfort in people (appearance kinda lost me, not sure i would even put that in). becoming a nurse needs extreme hard work and dedication that i am committed to put forward in becoming a nurse (awkward sentence).

i have a great passion for studying (studying is an unnecessary word) nursing, and is (awkward sentence) the right place for me. has an excellent and well-known nursing program where students receive extra attention and supports (not plural) that they need.

i am a student who works hard and strives for the utmost (utmost what?) to achieve what i have to in order to help those who are in need. i know that i have not completed one of my pre-req class due to my young cousin's death from cancer. i (capital) have already registered for the class and the class would (would or will) be completed with perfect grade (you can't promise a perfect grade, dont go there) in the summer before the nursing program begins. i request from the admission committee to please give me this chance (opportunity would be a better word) . this program of nursing will lead to a bigger and brighter future and i am hopeful that the members of the admissions committee will recognize my enthusiasm for this program.

***just a few things i noted quickly before i head off to clinicals. also, watch your "i" statements, there are an awful lot of "i"s, maybe try to rephrase some sentences. good luck, and if you want to repost i will be happy to look at it again in the morning or later tonight. there are a lot of great "writers" on here that i'm sure will post at some point also. good luck!!

Daytonite, BSN, RN · Feb 7, 2010

it would seem to me that the reason they wanted this personal statement was for you to explain why one of your pre-requisites wasn't completed. you put that reasoning in the last paragraph making it inconsequential--poor choice. it should be the focus of your statement. they also didn't ask you to tell them why you wanted to be a nurse which consumes most of the essay. that is a big mistake to my thinking. they just wanted to know why you didn't complete the pre-requisite and you gave them a lot of gobbly gook about why you wanted to be a nurse and what a good nurse you would be. they didn't ask you for that information.

swtgurl · Feb 7, 2010

thank you Daytonite...i und what you are saying...but i just don't want to explain why i have not taken the class this semester. it would be a few sentences and not a personal statement. how can i make this essay sound that it is more for that reason and at the same time explaining my qualifications.

swtgurl · Feb 7, 2010

thank you so much pharmgirl.....here is an edited version.... if you please look over it again...

from my earliest, i have always wanted to pursue a career in the healthcare field and nursing was my ultimate goal. i want to become a nurseto save lives, comfort, and care for patients. to me there is no greater reward than to help a patient heal or recover from their illness.

i am a goal oriented person and can accomplish anything and everything that i want in life with hard work, commitment and dedication. i am not only an excellent student with perfect gpam but also encompass all the qualities that a nurse needs in order to be successful.

one of these qualities is that i have great communication skills that would help me listen to patients’ problems and try to solve them. all the events during my life,death and sufferings, i have encountered in my own life have made me an emotionally stable and mentally strong individual.

another quality i possess is thati am a very tender hearted person and have empathy for others pain and suffering. i can feel the compassion and provide all the support needed to comfort an ill patient. i am a very detail oriented person who pays extra attention to situations and respond quickly and appropriately to make situations better. i am respectful and conscious of all the different cultures and traditions. becoming a nurse needs extreme hard work and involves challenges that i am committed to put forward.

i have a great passion for nursing and school name is the right place for me. school name has an excellent and well-known nursing program where students receive extra attention and support.

i am a student who works hard and strives for the utmostpatient careto achieve what i have to in order to help those who are in need. i know that i have not completed one of my pre-req class due to my young cousin’s death from cancer in the begining of this year. ihave already registered for the class and the class will be completed in the summer before the nursing program begins. i request from the admission committee to please give me this opportunity. this program of nursing will lead to a bigger and brighter future. i am hopeful that the members of the admissions committee will recognize my enthusiasm for this program.

pharmgirl · Feb 8, 2010

all the events during my life,death and sufferings (did you die? lol), i have encountered in my own life have made me an emotionally stable and mentally strong individual (i just don't like this for some reason, let's try....life experiences, both joyous and heartbreaking have made me........ )

involves challenges that i am committed to put forward (what? put forward where? how bout challenges you are committed to addressing)

i request from the admission committee to please give me this opportunity (what opportunity?). this program of nursing will lead to a bigger and brighter future. i am hopeful that the members of the admissions committee will recognize my enthusiasm for this program.

(how about....i respectfully request the admissions committee to recognize my enthusiasm and commitment to becoming the caring nurse i know i can be.)

most colleges have free tutoring services, which include english tutors that will go over essays. i would look into that as well. run spell check and if you have office, run the grammar check as well. good luck!

swtgurl · Feb 8, 2010

lol...thanks