Hump day

I'd say it is understandable that with all that going on, you are in a funk. Didn't you say in one post that you've had therapy? Not everybody is going to understand a person's inner life, and the outer life? Inevitably people are going to decide what they want to decide to think about you or your life. 

I have that same disconnect with my step-daughter who has decided that, because I've been a nurse for a long time, I should have known her daddy was diabetic because he was falling down a lot and a few other symptoms that he had. But it could be more easily attributed to drinking too much, which he was also doing at the time. She also thinks I'm a lousy housekeeper and that I'm "lazy". BUT! She doesn't know me very well and so her ideas about who and what I am don't matter to me. Nothing I could do would convince her otherwise, and why should I have to justify my life and marriage to ANYBODY? I just feel sorry for her, and yes, sometimes pretty annoyed, but that's her own little juice to stew in; she has no effect on my life. I am polite and civil because she is my hubby's daughter. HE also knows what she's like (which helps).

But you can't live your life waiting for someone else's approval. You don't have to answer to them, period! Regardless of what they think they know, they really DON'T know. 

PS: I think my step-daughter would SPIT if she knew that mostly I feel sorry for her for being so closed-minded and "little" in spirit.

OMG these kids project too much of what they think they know and don’t they know it all? Colorful I think I’m the most diverse included nonjudgmental but told I am prejudice the other day it’s gotten where the correct way is becoming to hard to keep up with! Back in the day it was straight gay or bi now it’s like 70 ways to identify or more? It’s definately a lot to learn and see hope your stepdaughter doesn’t put to much of that pain to you and yes I continue therapy but it’s not as often as I would like especially since covid it’s just not same over zoom I need the atmosphere to be calm like the place I go she puts some certain music that calms and the candles ect it is that safe place and not as robotic and feeling like an interview by zoom it helps but I often feel like I’m build back up to be let down like everyone or the forces are testing me in every way it’s not just addiction even though that is the pinpoint the ? not for me it’s much more I can’t change others that is the spiritual battle to work with woolens high off there rockers to keep my secret a secret sometimes you can’t share your struggles especially at work my recent experience is many new nurses are hooked on something to get through these shifts and I fear for them that they think it won’t end in that place I have been but I can’t warn them don’t judge anyone just worry what this is creating

The program that worked for me was DTLA MAT program soboxone therapy but saddens me that although I’m balanced at 8mg twice daily I’m still looked at as dependent by my partner he doesn’t understand the tapering down that I opted oxy for years and couldn’t function without sweats chills withdrawals no way I want that hell but when things get stressful anxiety I seem to take more suboxone to cope how I wish I could stop it all sure but one day at a time and I’m also going through the Winter coming my sister PTSD acts up blows outta control and I’m fearful of so much always afraid 

Oh also PS kids will push the buttons to disturb your pace if they see it effects you try instead opposite reaction that is my strategy lately has worked LOL don’t beat urself up and they tend to interpret the people or imitate what gets under our skin Do you ever feel like your terrific at your job but dread going home?

No such thing as perfect even how much we project what we want others to perceive it’s always something to fix if we are being honest with ourselves that is 

Although my man is ideal it’s like I have best of both worlds he doesn’t like to be around the women too much feel like I have to give up a lot to share he always out preferring to be with the guys riding his motorbike it’s me my issues I’m very jealous we obviously can’t have children biologically if that counts so although he is a great father it’s still barriers it’s nothing perfect if I’m complaining lease forgive me it’s some things that makes me angry maybe you having stepchildren can see how those things can generate insecurities from a lot of angles on either side sometimes he pushes me to be my best pulls out things in me I didn’t know I had sometimes I look at myself and think what does he see I’m a train wreck this why My Mainchick by Chris brown on my playlist suppose it’s all in my head right 

If I could compare my life it be like a mix of Sons of Anarchy combined that they didn’t get the characters right you have Gemma the mother then Wendy the baby’s mother and Tara the square doctor loved of his life take what you want but this is nothing compared to real life I say Tara is more like Gemma and Wendy is more like Tara and Jax comes out as this man who can live one woman so far from real but I’m only speaking of me and it’s TV so of course it’s not factual information but still entertaining Jax is for sure worth fighting for

Oh also that  Gemma’s genetic flaw isn’t a flaw but a gift it’s a beatiful to be born different we don’t all have to be carbon copies to fit in, I’m blessed to be part of the modern family and even though life is harder for some it shapes humanity to recognize acceptance