Fear

I am scared. I don't think I've ever been so scared in my whole college career.

Here's my story:

I am currently 23 years old. At 19, I had it in my mind that I wanted to be a nurse. When I finally started college (same age), I was super focused, super determined and I scored nothing but As and a few Bs here and there in my nursing pre reqs. My gpa back then was 3.69. By the time I became 20, I did research on the nursing field and found out how over saturated it was. I feared not being able to find a job when I graduated from nursing school, so I stopped. I decided that Physician Assistant would be a better choice and went on from there. I went to medic school because I heard it was the best experience for PA school and in all, that took me 2 years (EMT Basic + Prerequistes for medic program+ Paramedic program). Now, I'm beginning to see how many people are going into the PA field (thanks to stupid media broadcasting it everywhere)... The competition is STIFF! I was sure PA was going to be my field until I went through some setbacks recently. I was accepted to this really expensive private school, didn't win the full tuition scholarship I was eligible for, lost my ER Tech job, so I could not even help pay for the rest of my education... So, I had to turn down that college because I knew I wouldn't be able to afford it. And by the time I figured out that I wouldn't be going to the school of my choice, it was too late to apply anywhere else... Thus, setting me back from the good university life for close to a year.

Ever since then, I've been in limbo. My life has been in limbo. No one knows how much I've CRIED over this... I am still angry til this day and all of that stuff happened 2-3 months ago. I've been trying to keep it moving, though. I went back to the community college I was going to and paid for some classes that would satisfy both set of pre reqs...

But... I'm still lost... And because I don't even have a set goal anymore, I find it hard to focus. I'm currently taking a Nutrition course and a College Algebra course... And I STILL have to study to get my medic license.

I KNOW I can't be a medic forever. It's not a bad job... But it was meant to be a stepping stone for me... It was my experience for PA school... But now, I'm not sure if I'm even going. What if I NEVER get into a PA program after I spent all of these years to prepare... I'm already 23... I'm not young anymore and I don't have much time... I've considered going back to my nursing idea... I only have 3 prereqs... And of course 1 of those prereqs are A&P (which for most schools, is a 2 part course that you can't even take at the same time). If I was to go into Nursing school, I'll be 24 starting ATLEAST... And that's considering I even get in on the first try... I'll graduate at 27 years old... Which is discouraging... I'll be the oldest in the class...

This has bothered me all night... So much so, I just skipped math class today... I'm developing a defeated attitude... It's not like I'll make it in anything anyway... Why even still try? Maybe I'm supposed to be a medic my whole life... It's funny... One of my coworkers at my old job I used to work for, told me that most medics had dreams of becoming more than what they were... But end up staying in the same spot for the rest if their lives... I told him CONFIDENTLY that EMS was not going to be my life forever... Lol. Maybe he was right... Maybe I will be that medic that only had dreams...

People often ask me, "Why not be a doctor?". I have 2 very easy answers to that question, 1) My age and 2) I'm not smart enough... I already feel like I was pushing it when I tried aiming to be a PA... Now look where I ended up.

I have 3 years of Pell grant left... I need to make a decision so I can focus and feel better. I want to make my family proud... I feel like crying right now, so I guess I'll just stop it here... =(