Bad Night at work

So, I'm a new grad in a Level III NICU, and I've been there since January. I really like my job, I've always wanted to work in NICU so I was so excited when I finally got to start in January! I love working nights (yes, I know I'm weird), and I learn so much every day. And it's amazing how some of these kids recover better than anyone could have expected. I love seeing a kid in our most critical room go to the other two rooms and then get to hear that they're going home. It's great.

I knew that NICU was an ICU, so our babies are in critical condition. I really like taking care of the critical babies, I like managing drips, and trying to figure out what's going on with a baby, and I love taking care of new little micro-preemies.

But last night, I had a baby that was supposed to be a stable assignment, and now he's actively dying. He was going to be DLS'd but the parents changed their mind and wanted to wait...

It was crazy, it all happened so quickly and I'm not sure anyone knows what really happened. He was insanely small, so his prognosis was never great, but he was on nasal CPAP and just having a couple of desats (that's what I heard in report) and he ended up on nitric oxide, and nothing was making him better...nothing.

So, I worked in oncology as a student and have had patients die before. And I've handled it fine. Of course, I've been sad but it never really "got to me". But last night, I had to go outside 3 times and try to pull myself back together so I could go back in. It was just...horrible. And then I felt horrible having to then give meds and draw labs on this kid in the morning after the parents changed their mind. With his blood gases, the way they were all shift, and his horrible ventilation, it just felt pointless and I'm afraid that he'll die on the vent, all hooked up to everything instead of in his mom's arms. And that just breaks my heart...

I can't stop thinking about it and just needed to vent (There are some great people at work that I talked to about it as well, when I could get a chance, obviously it was a busy night...)