nurse17265

Thanks for the response CalicoKitty! When I can take the time and truly properly care for someone in their transition out of this life, I feel at peace. I think the fact that I can code someone and then move on as if it was any other complaint like abdominal pain makes me question whether that is an appropriate response to death and if I am too jaded. Just because it's an expected part of life doesn't mean I should treat it as any other ER complaint. I suppose there's no "right" response to anything, but it seems to me death is an important aspect more so than other parts of life that should be treated with reverence, and I am not always able to give it the reverence I believe it deserves.

Is nursing supposed to feel like this? I work my "dream job" but am exhausted after every shift. I have learned so much, and at times feel like a superstar. I save lives, but it has left me with my own scars. My empathy has changed, at times I am calloused and cold. My back hurts, my heart hurts, and sometimes I feel just plain old. I'm 25 and am desensitized to corpses and death. My mistakes can lead to someone's last breath. It's a privilege I hold and at times I feel blessed. God has put me here to help, to be knowledgeable and adept. Still no matter how many lives I save, at times it's not enough. My peers are competitive, and some think my skills are a bluff. The emotional turmoil is a rollercoaster of course, Though when I leave I sometimes ache for more. Am I addicted to this life, this constant fight or flight? Is the intermittent joy I feel worth the frequent strife? Where are the thank yous for the hard work I endure? They come far less frequently than insults I procure. For now, I will continue, responding to the call. A life changed, a hand held, for a patient who needed my all. I will push my body and brain, wondering at my core, Am I doing the right thing, what is this all for?